Strength

My mind, body and spirit are strong.
I take time each day to rejuvenate and recharge.
I draw from a deep well of peace and calm.
I breathe in strength and release my fears.
I go after my heart's deepest desires.
I can accomplish anything.
All of my dreams are coming true.
I focus on my goal and have the strength to make it happen.

STRENGTH

I choose to be unstoppable.
I am strong.
I act in spite of my fears.
I am bigger than my concerns and worries.
I go for it with gusto!
I can do anything I put my mind to.
Each day I am getting stronger.
I take great care of myself.
The strength of others inspires me daily.
I trust my intuition and live a courageous life.

These are the things I tell myself daily to continue my forward journey to a happier, healthier life. I know I have the STRENGTH to continue on.

The Sound of MY Breath... a poem!

I listen...
with great attention...

to the sound of MY breath,
as I walk on MY journey...
MY journey to a healthier...

happier life.

If only I could put that sound into words!
I know that sound and it is such a...

a sweet sound,
a sound that I will never forget,
matter of fact,
that sound is what makes MY...

soul thirsty, to do the next walk...
month after month! ----

~ Tony Hatmaker

Thank you Natasha Ria El-Scari for the inspiration to write this poem, it is small, but so big and meaningful to my journey!

Hard To Believe A Year Has Passed

Well, it's been awhile since my last post and I apologize, but with the energy I have, I am on the go all the time!!

I once again want to say THANK YOU to each one of you who have prayed for me, encouraged me and stood beside me through my JOURNEY! I appreciate each of you and words will never be able to express my gratitude and thankfulness for your love and support!

I want to share with you that I spent the better half of last evening once again reading all the comments that you have left on my blog and I will tell you they mean the world to me, they have gotten me through some very rough days and I look forward to reading them when my days get a little rocky! PLEASE PLEASE continue to leave your encouraging words, I do check them weekly!! Again, THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU TO LIFE!!

A HUGE THANK YOU to the KC BARIATRIC Team at Shawnee Mission Medical Center, specifically Dr. Stanley Hoehn and his staff, Dr. Ravi Sabapathy, his secretary Cheryl and I can't leave out the most AWESOME cardiology nurse you could ever have, Ron Sanders, RN. There are so many others, but just know that each of you have played a major role in this process, or JOURNEY as I call it, to becoming a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER ME!!

I also give THANKS to my Heavenly Father. He has stood by His promise and has endured this JOURNEY with me. Without His LOVE, GRACE and MERCY, I'm not sure I could have made it through this past year.

Well, I will first share with you a couple of pictures, the first is dated February 20, 2009, the day I began this JOURNEY, and the second was taken this past weekend, October 23, 2010.



I must say that when I look back at old pictures and then look at new ones, I am BLOWN away! I remember the guy of the past, but it is so hard for me to imagine that I once weighed nearly 450lbs. ! I will say this....


I NEVER EVER AGAIN WANT TO BE THE PHYSICAL MAN THAT I ONCE WAS!!

I am beginning to love the new me and starting to feel very comfortable with my new look, of course it always helps when I receive the compliments and encouragement from those around me!

So much has taken place in the past couple of months and I'm sure I could write pages and pages to share it all with you, but I will spare you the boredom and share the most important things, well, I should say those things that are most important to me! HAHA!!

So, let's begin... I, along with my wife, my dear friend Robyn(A.K.A. My Angel & Cheerleadah) and my surprise supporter, my little brother Greg, did my first benefit 5K walk in the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure for Breast Cancer!

In the past, I never would have thought that a 5K walk was possible, now, I am HOOKED! I did my first 5K in 1hr 03mins. along with 27,000 other walkers/runners and supporters!


A BIG BIG THANK YOU to my team! I LOVE you guys so much, you are the push behind my will power!!

I shared my story to nearly 50+ people at the KC Bariatrics Seminar in August. I was honored to be able to stand in front of other's, who like me a year ago, need an intervention to get their lives back on track to living healthy and happy! I quickly realized that just a short year or so ago, I too sat in their seat looking for an answer. I pray that I touched at least one of those lives, but hopefully many many more, and, I pray they followed through with the procedure. I am looking forward to sharing at many many more seminars!

September 27, just a day shy of my one year surgery anniversary, I had my one year followup with Dr. Hoehn and all my numbers were in range and he along with his staff were very pleased with my progress.

I will now share with you my progress report:

- February 20, 2009, Weight: 426 Shirt: 6X Waist: 64 Shoe: 12EEE
- October 21, 2010, Weight: 230 Shirt: XL Waist: 38/40 Shoe: 10M

So, moving along... I may lose another 20-30 pounds, however, I am at a plateau now, which is fine. I have decided to let my body handle the changes and do what it desires to do, after all, I feel like a new man, look like a new man and have the energy of a child, so in saying that, I am content.

I mentioned that I am hooked on the benefit walks...

I had an opportunity to walk in honor of my dear friend Robyn Schoonover, who will be 3 years Cervical Cancer FREE this coming December!!

Thanking God for her complete recovery!

Like me, He(God) has given her a second chance to live her life!

I walked with Robyn and her family and friends in the Whisper Walk 5K to support the cure of Ovarian Cancer. I beat my time by nearly 14 minutes!! My Whisper Walk 5K was complete in 0:48:06!! WOOHOO!

I have two more benefit walks scheduled, one on November 21st and the other Thanksgiving morning, if you want to walk with me, let me know!!

So much has taken place over this past year. I will be honest and say that it has not been peaches and cream all the time, but it has been an experience, or should I say a JOURNEY and if I had to do it all over again, I WOULD!!! I have learned to LOVE myself, to APPRECIATE myself and to CARE for myself! These are things that I never did before and yes it has cost me some pain, heartache and loss of relationships, but I still would not revert back to the old person that I once was! I am still the loving, caring, giving man that I have always been, but I am learning that I come first, once I take care of me, if you are still in need then I can come to take care of you!

It isn't easy and it has caused some heartache and pain, but, IT IS WHAT IT IS and I am learning to LOVE it!!

Another exciting goal took place within this past week that I would like to share! I haven't worn a suit in probably 15 years, and I finally purchased a new suit, well, not just one, but TWO! Hard to believe that it has been 15 years since I put on a suit!

So, not only did I buy TWO new Ralph Lauren suits, but, well, you know me and my love for shopping and being STYLISH, I bought a new French Cuff, Ralph Lauren dress shirt, cuff links, new shoes, TWO new ties and new Ralph Lauren dress shocks to match one of the new suits and I had the opportunity to wear it to a wedding in St. Louis this past weekend!! I must say, I was SHARP as a TACK... CLEAN AS PETEY GREEN as my cousin LeeLee would say!!

YES, I POPPED MY COLLA!! HAHA!! LOL!!

So, let me introduce myself... The new Mr. Tony Hatmaker



Yes, I wore both ties, one to the wedding and the other to the reception!! I can't help myself!!

With all the energy I have and so many hours in a day that I need to be productive, I decided to re-open my Auto Detailing business and so far it is keeping me busy and my free time occupied. So, in saying that, if your car is in need of a full detail before the winter sett's in, give your boy a call and get on the schedule! Tony's Touch - KC's Finest Auto Detail-er

Well, I guess I better put the key's to rest, but before I do, I want to say that I have SO MUCH to be THANKFUL for and I am truly a BLESSED man!!

The many obstacles that I faced after surgery have been trying, but as I said before, with your prayers, love, support and encouragement, along with my desire, will power, FAITH and the GRACE of God, I have managed to succeed!!

I have said it before, the road is rough on this life I call a JOURNEY, but everyday the road gets smoother and the process becomes easier!!

I will leave you today with a small request, and that is... when I cross your mind, stop for a brief minute and say a little prayer for me, once in awhile pick up your phone and holler at your boy, whether it be a text message, a voice message or a picture message, they all make my world a happier place to live in!!

Remember...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE...

Take care of yourself first, so when you are needed by other's, you will be there to help them get through whatever it is they are going through!!

LOVE, PEACE and BIG HUGS!

Until the next post,

GOD SPEED!!

Tony

Move forward or get left behind!

Hello friends!

It's been sometime since my last entry and I will say that there is allot to share, but, if I shared it all I would be here all day and night!! LOL!!

Since my last post, I have reached my first BIG goal in my weight loss journey which was to lose 200 pounds! That was a great feeling to have lost nearly 1/2 the weight that I carried around for so long.

I will tell each of you that making the decision to have the Gastric Bypass was the absolute best thing that I could have ever chosen to do in my life, besides giving my soul to Christ!

I have been asked several times, if I had to do it again would I, the answer is YES!! Though I have had some rough, trying times during the last year, it has truly been worth the pain, the emotional struggles and worth the battle!

From a health perspective, I am healthier than I have probably ever been and from a happier perspective, I can honestly say that I am a happier man, yes, I do have some bad days, but my good days definitely out do my bad days!

I set out to complete my first 5K(walk) on August 8th, Race For The Cure for Breast Cancer awareness and I am HOOKED! I completed this walk in 1hr 03mins. I walked in memory of my great grandmother Elsie Campbell, in honor of my Aunt Mary Jane Drenning and in honor of a very dear friend, both are currently battling this terrible disease.

My next 5k will be September 26th, Whisper Walk for Ovarian Cancer, which I will walk in celebration of my friend Robyn Schoonover who is 2.5 years cervical cancer free. I have several other benefit walks scheduled through the end of the year. My prayer is that by this time next year I will be running these 5k's instead of walking them!

Last evening I had the opportunity to share my journey with about 50 people who sat in the very chairs that I sat in just a short year or so ago, desperately needing the help to become healthier and happier in their lives. It was such an awesome experience to be standing in front of these folks and sharing my testimony with them. I would have never thought that I would have been sharing such a wonderful experience with people, who, like me at one time, needs an intervention! I pray that each of them received what they needed last evening to get on track.

The month of July was very exciting for me. My little brother invited my wife and I to share with him a vacation to New York! WOOHOO! Can I tell you, I had a BLAST, I can honestly say that I do not think I have ever enjoyed a vacation like I enjoyed this one!

You see, I had been invited two years ago by my wife and in laws, but I made ever excuse in the world not to go. I knew I would not have enjoyed myself, it would have wore me out and I would have been in miserable pain. So when the opportunity came along again, I JUMPED ALL OVER IT and I am so glad that I did! What an AWESOME experience!!

Thanks little brother!!

Well, with the energy that is built up inside of me, my body is itching to get out and do something before my work night begins, so, I better get up from here and get moving before I get left behind!!

My personal computer is currently very sick, so once it gets to feeling better I will post updated pictures and maybe even a few from my trip to the BIG APPLE!!

My motto is:

You Are #1 In Your LIFE!!

Take care of YOURSELF first so that you will be around to take care of those in need when they need you!

Please continue to keep me and my family and friends lifted in prayer as this is a Journey and at times we come across some very rough terrain!

Love, Peace and Happiness!

Until next time,
GOD SPEED!!

Tony

A few current picture's of me

May 30, 2010

A night of fun under the stars at Starlight!

***

May 16, 2010

Sunday morning before church!

***

April 24, 2010

Saturday morning before Uncle Arthur's home going celebration!

Reflecting on REALITY

As I sit here today and Reflect on the past 8 months and even the past year and a half, I have so many things to be THANKFUL for! God has truly BLESSED me in so many ways! The one thing that is always in the forefront of my mind and heart, is each of YOU, my wonderful family, the blessing of beautiful friends and the support that each of you have continued to display. Today, I again say THANK YOU! Thank you for sticking by me, loving me, caring for me and more than anything, PRAYING for me. I know at times it has been difficult, but know, that without your loving, caring, supportive passion for me, I may not have made it this far!!

Today, I am THANKFUL to be alive, to once again be a HEALTHY and much HAPPIER person!

I look back at my life over the last year and the REALITY sets in, it sets deep within my heart! You may ask WHY, well the WHY is this: Just a short year and a half ago, I was staring DEATH directly in the eye. If I hadn't made the choice to make a DRASTIC change in my life when I did, today, I doubt that I would be sharing my heart with each of you, instead, I would have been, as they say, 10 feet under!

Thank you Jesus for the amazing opportunity to turn my life around for the better!!

This past week has been somewhat crazy to me, maybe those aren't the right words to say, but I can't seem to think of a better way of putting it.

This past Saturday, my wife and I were driving down 119th Street, headed to a shoe store, and my mind was playing back so many things that have taken place in the past 8 months. After looking back at old pictures on the day before, it finally set in how much my life has changed and from so many perspectives. The ride was somewhat quiet, but I looked at her and said: "you know, the last couple of days I have had the chance to sit back and look over my life and the positive changes have finally hit me, REALITY has finally set it!"

I really didn't realize how much my physical appearance has changed, especially in the last 2-3 months, until I looked back at pictures that I have taken in the last year... WOW, what an awesome difference! You know, people tell me everyday how much I have changed, but when you look at yourself everyday, I guess you really don't realize it, I mean I know that I have made some drastic changes, but I guess I didn't really realize just how drastic!
<-- February 25, 2009 <-- May 4, 2010

It was funny, once we arrived at the shoe store, I noticed a friend walking around that we haven't seen in probably 3 or more years, I looked at my wife and told her our friend was in the store, so she spoke to her as if she had just spoken to her on the phone the day before, and the funniest thing happened when our friend turned around to see who was talking to her, her facial expression was priceless to say the least. I mean, she looked at us as if to say "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?", and turned away with an attitude, but then she turned back around and looked at me, then looked at my wife, then looked back at me and finally said to me, "How do you know me?", before I could answer she screamed out loud in the store our names and ran to hug us!! Needless to say she was in total shock when she realized it was me, how ironic that I had just mentioned to my wife not even 30 minutes prior that the reality has finally set in that I have changed so much.

One other REALITY check that took place that I would like to share with you: A month ago I had to purchase a new pair of slacks, now remember, I have been accustomed to shopping at BIG & TALL stores, so, because I was accustomed to doing that, my natural instinct was to go to the store that I have shopped at for the past 10 or more years, yes, I know that I have been shopping at the department stores for sometime now, but, I haven't yet purchased a new pair of slacks. I walked in the door and the salesman asked me what I needed, I told him what I was looking for and he looked at me and said: "I CAN'T HELP YOU HERE!". I got a little agitated, not because of his response, but the tone, well, maybe the response too!! I looked around with an attitude, and finally my wife looked at me to again reiterate what the gentleman said! The REALITY of that experience is that I NO LONGER HAVE TO SHOP AT THE BIG&TALL MEN'S STORE!!!!! WOOHOO!!

I drove to Macy's to purchase my new pair of slacks and I haven't looked back since, matter of fact, I purchased two more pairs yesterday!! My next accomplishment is to purchase a new suit, but I will wait until I reach my goal weight!!

The transition has been a very trying time for me, but I will say, the POSITIVES definitely out weigh the negative and if I had the chance to do it again, I would definitely take the opportunity.

My journey is far from over, actually, it is a life long journey, but the ride gets easier and smoother as each day passes. Some days are tough, but I CHOOSE to get through them and look forward to what the next day has to offer!

I am DEDICATED to a continued HEALTHY, HAPPY life and I hope that each of you are still coming along for the ride, yes, it may be the ride of your life, but thank you so much for choosing to share it with me, I promise, I will make it a fun ride!

As of today, I have lost a total of 183lbs... I am 17lbs shy of losing 200lbs in just a short year and a half!

I am happy to say that I no longer take any doctor prescribed medications, that's right, NONE!! I continue to take my daily vitamins, which I will for the remainder of my life, the good thing is this, I used to take vitamins all day long, now, I take them once a day and I can finally take regular gel caps or pills, no longer chewable, however, the chewable weren't so bad!

My diabetes is no longer an issue, hypertension is no longer an issue, I actually freak out a little bit now when I have my blood pressure checked, heck, I haven't seen low numbers like that since before entering high school! Again, I am so THANKFUL for these small, but HUGE accomplishments!!

I could go on and on about the REALITY of my life changes, but I would be here forever writing, but the things I did mention are the things that have been very important to me! I hope each of you who read this entry are blessed in some way or another, I hope that someone who reads my blog, takes the steps to change their life for the better, whether it be from a health perspective or even a relationship perspective, after all, all aspects of our life has an affect on our health!

Know that I LOVE EACH OF YOU and your continued support means the world to me! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue praying, complimenting, crying and laughing with me!!

I can never end my entries without first reminding myself and each of you that...

WE ARE #1 IN OUR LIFE...

take care of yourself FIRST, so that you will be around to take care of those that need you!!

Today I ask that you keep the Kotre family in your prayers, pray for a complete healing and a miracle in Missy's body. Please continue praying for my wonderful friends, The Schoonover's, pray for peace and unity. Continue to pray for my wonderful sister in Christ, Julia Jamerson, and my sweet cousin Jill Townsend, pray that God place a healing touch upon their bodies. Continue to pray for my little friend Jack Heller. Also pray for peace and comfort for the Burns family after the passing of our Uncle Arthur Burns.

Until the next post,
GOD SPEED

Much LOVE and THANKFULNESS,
Tony

New post coming May 19th!!

<----March 26, 2010

May 5, 2010 ---->

Obedience...

6 months ago today I began my NEW LIFE, a NEW LIFE of CHANGE!!!

As of today, Monday, March 22, 2010, my current weight is 256lbs.

minus 170lbs. since February 20, 2009

minus 110lbs. since September 28, 2009

Waist size:

February 20, 2009 - 64

March 22, 2010 - 40

Shirt size:

February 20, 2009 - 6XL

March 22, 2010 - 2XL

Shoe size:

February 20, 2009 - 12EEE

March 22, 1020 - 11M

Today, I Thank God for keeping His promise to me as I began my JOURNEY of a NEW LIFE!!

Today, I Thank each of YOU for walking alongside me as I struggled through the first several months of my JOURNEY! Words will never express my gratefulness for those of you who continue to encourage me, struggle with me, share the rough days as well as the many many good days with me. I know that many of you have at times wanted to tell me to fly far away, but instead, you continued to love me, encourage me and fight with me! I say to you today that WE have WON THE BATTLE!!

You may ask me how I can be so confident in those words, well, I can tell you how...

When you are OBEDIENT to Christ and follow through in the direction that He sets forth in your life, there is no room for Satan to defeat you. God says that the battle is His and let me tell you, I am so glad that I gave up my worldly fight and decided to give in to my spiritual fight!

I have said many times in my blog, my everyday conversations, that God has kept His promise to me, He has yet to fail me and I know without a doubt that He will never fail me.

My last entry was one that I struggled to write, but when I began this JOURNEY, I promised God, myself and each of you that I would be open, honest and straight forward about my life and how I was dealing with the changes that were taking place. I fought tooth and nail with my inner being and my spirit not to write that entry, but I was reminded that I made a promise and I had to keep my promise as God has kept His.

Before I go any further, I want to share with you what I had continued to pray for in my life the past several months. Not only did I pray for it, but I begged for it, I waited patiently for it and it just didn't seem to come to past. I prayed for INNER PEACE. I prayed that I would be at peace with myself, with who I am and who I have become. I prayed that I would have peace with several situations pertaining to family and friends, but I continued to struggle with obstacles and I just didn't know why. I continued to wake up each day unhappy and feeling alone, yes, I was beginning to look good from a physical state, but mentally, I struggled with happiness.

FINALLY, I listened to my inner spirit and began to follow through with what I was hearing, people, can I tell you something, when you are OBEDIENT to God, my, my, my how life can change for the better!!

God has continued to tell me to let go and draw closer to Him, and I will tell you that I thought I was doing just that, only to realize that I was failing! Once I gave into His request and began to draw closer to Him, my world flipped right side up and everyday since then I wake up refreshed and with a new outlook on life!

OBEDIENCE, OBEDIENCE, OBEDIENCE!! WOW, it's amazing how your life can change within a split second for the better when you follow Christ's lead!

Folks, I feel like a new man, a refreshed man, I feel like a WINNER!!

God promised me the PRIZE if I was OBEDIENT to Him and I can honestly say that everyday I awake and breathe the breath of life, He has awarded me with the PRIZE!

I listened to a sermon delivered by Joel Osteen, I actually downloaded it to my ipod so when days seem to be rough, I can quickly go back and listen to it, the sermon was titled "Living Life Happy".

Happiness is a choice. It's easy to come up with excuses to delay our happiness. If we have to always wait for something to happen to make us happy, we will find that there is always something else that can keep us from being happy. Psalm 118 says, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." When you understand that God is directing your steps, you know in full confidence that where you are is not an accident; it's all a part of God's divine plan. Learn to be happy where God has you right now. Make the choice to celebrate each day as a gift from God. As you choose to live your life happy, you'll not only enjoy life more, but you'll brighten the day for others and see God open new doors in your life to get you where you want to be. God promises your joy will be full.

I have made the choice to be HAPPY! I wake up everyday now, and choose to make it a HAPPY day, I choose to display JOY in my daily activities!!

I have learned that what comes out of your mouth, becomes who you are.

If you speak negative words, you begin to live out those words, so each day when I am asked how I am doing, I answer with these very words "I AM DOING GREAT" and let me tell you, speaking those very words has become my life, I do feel great and I know that as long as I speak HAPPY, POSITIVE words, I will continue to live them out!!

I have made up in my mind to CELEBRATE each day as it is a gift from God!! I've made up my mind that I am not going to waste another day, I am going to CELEBRATE each day as a gift from God. Happiness is a choice, why not choose to be HAPPY!!!

The bible says in the book of Psalms that JOY comes in the morning. God sends us a special delivery of JOY when we wake up in the morning, let's open our heart and receive the gift of JOY!

I can't end this entry without reminding each of you that ...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

Remember to take care of yourself first, so that when others need you, you will be able to take care of them!!

Job 36:11 - If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers and always know that I continue to pray for each of you!!

I LOVE YOU TO LIFE!!

Until next post,
GOD SPEED!

Tony

...but GOD!

I sit here today not really knowing what to say, where to begin or even how to say it, but, the one thing I do want to say today is... THANK YOU!

Today, as I woke from a night of comfortable, peaceful sleep, I began by saying THANK YOU to my heavenly Father, for without Him, nothing that I have accomplished over the past 5 months or even the last year would have been possible.

You see, over the past year there have been many a morning that I have awakened with a spirit of letting go and giving up on my journey, but each day I continued along my journey, I prayed that God would keep me and surround me with His grace and mercy.

I have come to realize that no matter how hard my struggles may seem, how difficult my journey has proven to be, that as long as I reach out and draw unto Him, I continue to make it through each day!! ...but GOD!!

Over the past month I have had to cross some obstacles that have taken a toll on my emotional state of mind, things that have made me vulnerable to the voice of Satan himself. You see, my mind and emotional state has not quite caught up with my physical, outwardly appearance. You may ask, "well, what do you mean", well, what I mean is this... when I look in the mirror I see a thinner, healthier man, but to myself I see a man who is facing many more challenges and obstacles soon to come along the journey... the strong possibility of cosmetic surgery down the road, struggles and challenges of eating, not really being a part of outings with friends and family, because they really don't know how to approach me or invite me to functions where their is food or beverages, so instead of inviting me, they basically leave me out of the equation, of course because it's easier for them to deal with, but what they don't realize is this.... IT HURTS ME when I find out that gatherings or outings have taken place and I wasn't involved.

Satan takes the opportunity during these times to play on my emotions. When I reach out to those I love and care for and have loved and cared for through the low times in their life, it seems as though they are to busy or so involved in their daily life, that they ignore that they have a friend who is in need of a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a simple hug or even a few encouraging words... but GOD!!

I will share something with you today that first off is embarrassing to say, but remember, I said in the beginning that I would not hold back and I would share everything that was going on in my journey... I never ever in my entire 44 years of living thought I would ever feel or say these words, but, 3 1/2 weeks ago I allowed Satan to take control of my life and within an instant second I decided that I no longer wanted to fight! This particular day I met with a very dear friend to share how I was feeling inside about myself, about them and how they have begun to treat me the past 4 months. After spilling my feelings and emotions and of course allowing them the opportunity to spill theirs, I felt as if it just wasn't worth the fight any longer. After leaving the discussion and feeling as though I just spilled my feelings all over an empty table where their was a body sitting across from me, but really wasn't taking anything in that I said, I felt it was time to give up! Again, I never ever thought that I would be vulnerable enough to be caught in the emotional state that I was in at that time, but I was, and at the time Satan took advantage of it.

As I was driving home, I was listening to XM Praise Radio, trying to relax my mind, but as I began my trek across the Missouri River I looked over the side rail and seen the swift moving cold waters and thought to myself, this is it, now is the opportunity to end it all...I slowed my vehicle down from a quick 75mph to a mere 35mph, put my hazard blinkers on and as I began to pull to the shoulder of the highway a soft internal voice spoke to me and said "Why would you end it all now, when you have accomplished so much in such a short time, WHY?"

You know, I couldn't answer the WHY, because that internal voice was right, I have accomplished so much in such a short time. God has made possible all the things that I have asked Him for thus far, a healthier me, to share my story with the world, to touch just one life if not more during this journey, but more so to make it possible to experience so many blessings during this short time and to share them with others around me... all the things that I asked Him for in the beginning! ...but GOD!!

Well, you guessed it right, I turned off my hazard lights, picked up speed and ventured along my way, leaving behind me the swift moving cold waters and those feelings of giving up, I guess you could say that I left my feelings and thoughts to be swept away with the swift moving cold waters. Once again, Satan was defeated in what he had set out to do!! ...but GOD!!

As I drove closer to home, I decided to stop at my church in hopes that my brother, friend and pastor would be there... I pulled in the parking lot and called only to get a voicemail, but I left a message and walked to the door in hopes that it was unlocked, only to find it locked. As I walked back to my vehicle, my cell phone rang and it was the one that I felt I could share my thoughts and feelings with. As I sat in his office, tears streaming down my face, he looked at me and said "Tony, this is the time when God wants you to draw closer to HIM!" WOW!! Those words couldn't have come at a better time! ...but GOD!!

As I continue my journey, each day truly gets brighter, the difficult challenges are becoming easier and I find my spirit being more joyful. A co-worker looked me in the eyes last evening during a work outing and said to me, "Tony, your smile is so bright and contagious." See, it's the simple words that mean so much to me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have had a smile on my face!

Today, I visited a very dear friend and as I walked through the front door she looked at me and with a GREAT BIG smile on her face, she said "Brotha, you are lookin' good!" You see, it's the simple things that now make my day and today has been an AWESOME day!! ...but GOD!!

As I close this blog I want to first ask that I not be judged by what I have shared today, but take in what I have shared and ask yourself how many times has God pulled you through your lowest of lows and continued on with you during your journey in life?!! ...but GOD!!

If it had not been for the Lord on my side, where would I be?

He kept my enemies away

He let the sun shine, though a cloudy day

He wrapped me in the cradle of His arms when He knew I'd been battered and torn

He never left me all alone

He gave me peace and joy I've never known

He answered when I knelt to Him in prayer and in victory the Lord brought me this way.

If it had not been for the Lord on my side, where would I be?!?!

...but GOD!!

I have learned some very hard lesson's during this journey, but one thing I know for sure... God will NEVER leave me nor forsake me!!!

When the road seems to rough to travel, when people seem to push away when I need them most, I know that it is then, that I draw closer to God, for He will be by my side! ...but GOD!!

Today, I asked that you continue to keep me uplifted in prayer... pray for my family and my friends. Pray for healing in my Uncle Arthur Burns, my dear friend Julia, my cousin Jill and for wisdom in the doctors that are trying to diagnose the problem in my little friend Jack Heller, and pray for peace for my dear friends The Schoonover's.

As I always say...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of those in need around you!!

I give my unconditional love to each of you that reads this entry!!

Thank you all again for your continued support and prayers!

YOU ARE APPRECIATED!!

Until next post,
GOD SPEED

Tony

I CAN, Because He Can

I Can, Because He Can

I can ask the Lord

because He will not give me a wrong answer.

I can wait upon the Lord

because His timing is always perfect.

I can trust in the Lord

because He makes no mistakes.

I can hope in the Lord

because He holds my future.

I can rest in the Lord

because He is in control of my life.

I can lean upon the Lord

because He is completely faithful.

NKJV - Job 42:2 - I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

A Little Poem About HOPE

HOPE

I am a drop of water
in an endless sea
A ripple in the vast ocean
I collide and merge
Liquid eternity
becoming many forms
Flowing through air
moved by gentle winds
Until winter comes,
the sky becomes dark
A cold chill
enters the land
I fall with a crash of thunder
hard on a rock
Lying, awaiting my sure death
the cold freeze comes
I mold to the rock
we become one-I wait...and listen...
Soon light breaks
cutting through black clouds
Land becomes warm
rock melts ice- where I lay my head
Again I flow
languid back to sea
I am a drop of water
a ripple in the vast ocean.

Written by: Karie Kneller (a friend and encourager)

Man in the mirror...

Today I begin by saying a very SPECIAL THANK YOU to my primary care physician, Dr. Michael Munger, my psycologist, Dr. Ravi Sabapathy and my surgeon, Dr. Stanley Hoehn. The three of you have helped me to change my life for the better and there are no words meaningful enough to express my THANKFULNESS and APPRECIATION for your caring nature and concern about me and my health! THANK YOU!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE>>>>>>>

As of yesterday, Wednesday, January 13, 2010, my current weight, fully clothed(and I have to say I looked like a HANDSOME model out of the GQ magazine, HAHA! )- 276lbs

Weight loss total since February 20, 2009- 150lbs

Weight loss total since September 28, 2009(Surgery date)- 90lbs

So the title reads "Man in the mirror"...

Michael Jackson said it best:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

Those words have really settled into my soul. I have finally realized that my JOURNEY is not a dream, it's a reality and For Once In My Life, I have made a Change, a change that feels so good, it feels so right, it's a positive change that not only has made a difference in my life, but those that share it with me!

Many days I look in the mirror, usually after I come out of the shower(not a pretty site), but I see a drastic change in my physical appearance. Some days I tear up and wonder why, most days I smile and say to myself "YOU GO BOY!". Those days that I tear up and wonder WHY, I try to focus on the present and the future and not the past. I try very hard to live for that moment, and how great I feel, how good it feels to walk into JCPenney's or MACY'S and be able to purchase new clothes. Some of you may say to yourself, "why is that such a big deal?", well, it's a big deal to me because it has been years and I literally mean years since I was able to purchase a pair of jeans or a sweater from somewhere other than The Casual Male BIG & TALL store or HYROOPS BIG & TALL store.

The SMILE always gets BIGGER when I step in front of the mirror after a shower, a freshly shaved face and all the other necessities that take place, and I am fully dressed. I no longer fill up the mirror's edges, I can actually see what's behind me now from the sides, HAHA, what we take for granted! I find myself lately, adjusting my clothes so they look just right, yesterday I laughed at myself, why?, you ask... HAHA, I POPPED MY COLLAR!! LOL!! I guess you can say I was feeling very confident, some might say I was feeling myself, but whatever the case may be, I FELT GOOD ABOUT WHAT I SAW IN THE MIRROR!!

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment, and just to share with you how good I am starting to feel about myself, my attire was something different from my usual attire. See, usually I would go to the doctor in shorts and a t-shirt in the warmer months, sweats and t-shirt in the colder months, but yesterday, as my wife's cousin LeeLee would say, I WAS CLEAN AS PETEY GREEN!!

When I walked into the office, the scheduling lady happened to come out of her office to grab a bottle of water, she took a double take at me sitting there and she said with a big smile on her face and in a high pitched voice, "Tony! YOU LOOK GOOD!". Do you know how good that feels to be complimented on? It's exciting, but at the same time, your mind begins to wonder back to the past, you wonder what did people think of you and your appearance before!

Oh well, at this point in my life, it no longer matter's what people thought of me in the past, what's important now, is how I feel and look today and what the future holds for me!

Yesterday was a GREAT day! My doctor complimented me as well, he told me that the v-neck Chaps vest and white mock turtle neck I had on, fit me well and it looked great on me, he even pointed out that he had never seen me in slacks, dress shoes and shirt, his words went something like this... with a glowing smile on his face "VERY NICE TONY!".

Prior to my doctor's appointment, I went to KU Medical Center to visit a dear family member who is fighting for his life. As I stood next to him, I heard a sequence of very soft words come from his mouth. I didn't quite make out what he said, so I asked him again and very softly with a smile on his face and shaking his head in the manner of yes, he said "You are looking really good". WOW, this man is very very weak and most times doesn't say much if anything at all, but he found enough strength to compliment me! Thank you Uncle Arthur for noticing the new me and finding the strength to tell me!!

Friends, this is all new to me and I will tell you that it is an AWESOME feeling to be noticed by so many! I never really realized how large of a man I was until now, something as simple as receiving a hug and the person exchanging the hug saying "WOW, my arms actually go around you now!" So many little things that I never thought I would be able to ever do again, I can now do, for instance, leaning over when sitting in a chair and having a set of thighs to relax my arms on, crossing my leg and placing it on top of my knee, bending over and tying my shoes, looking down and actually seeing my feet, sitting in a booth comfortably at a restaurant. It's the little things that I am so thankful for!

One thing that I want each of you to know is this, I may be shrinking from an outwardly or physical appearance, but the size of my HEART will NEVER shrink!!!

So, as I continue to look in the mirror, I will continue to change for the better, but more importantly, my years have now and will continue to be extended so that I can continue to share with each of you my blessings and my new life!

Thank you for standing by my side through my JOURNEY. A few of you have been through HELL with me the past year, especially the past 3-1/2 or 4 months, you know who you are, and I want you to know that without your persistence in caring and loving me, I'm not sure where I would be at this point in my JOURNEY, so THANK YOU for holding on and taking the ride, it's not over, but it sure is getting to be a whole lot smoother, I've got a new set of struts and shocks on this new life of mine!!

As I close this entry, please pray for Uncle Arthur Burns, pray that God's will be done and that His peace, love, grace and mercy be placed upon him and the family.

Continue to pray for cousin Jill!

Also pray for the people of Haiti.

Please pray for the many people that are battling cancer, pray for peace over the loved ones of those who have lost their battle of this horrible disease!

Also, I would ask that you keep a new found friend in prayer as well, Leslie is embarking upon her new life's journey, pray for her peace of mind and strength to succeed, Leslie, you can do it!

Lastly, I would ask that each of you pray for HAPPINESS and PEACE in each other's lives!

Know that my heart is filled with JOY that each of you continue with me on my JOURNEY, you mean the world to me!

As I always remind you......

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE!

Take care of yourself first so that you are able to take care of those around you that need your love and care!

The year ahead is a new season, it's a new day, and there's a fresh anointing flowing our way! Let's open our hearts and let God fill our spirit with His LOVE, His PEACE and His GRACE and MERCY!

NIV - Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Tell someone you LOVE them today, you never know, it might be what gets them through the day!

Until the next post,
GOD SPEED

I LOVE YOU!
Tony

Jumping Hurdles

Today, I want to give a BIG THANKS to my Lord and Savior, JESUS CHRIST for BLESSING ME to live 44 years. I also want to THANK Him in ADVANCE for the many many more years that He is going to BLESS Me with!!

I know that God has so many things in store for me, and now that I am living a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER life, I will be able to experience and share those BLESSINGS!

So, the title reads "Jumping Hurdles" ...

I have began to look at myself as a track star, someone who looks far beyond the first 50 yards, the first hurdle. Someone who is so anxious to reach that last 1/4 mile, someone who can't wait to leap over that first hurdle, but once he jumps off the starting block, reality soon sets in and his focus is quickly interrupted when he reaches the third hurdle along his journey to reaching that finish line. As he leaps to clear the third hurdle, his foot gets caught and he falls to the ground, he quickly tries to get back up! See, he continues to see the finish line just a few yards away and he so badly wants to reach that line, but his legs say NO!!

His legs are sort of like God speaking to him, telling him to slow down. It's okay to move slower than you would like. It's okay to reach the finish line a 1/2 second slower than you were hoping, really, it is okay. God says take the time to enjoy this journey that He has set forth.

You see, the last three weeks I have been trying to reach that finish line quicker than what God has set forth for me to do. I have hurried myself along in the phase of eating more solid foods, so fast that I have caused my body to react in a negative way. Even though my body was crashing like the track star that got hung up on the third hurdle, I continued to let the sight of that finish line force me to try to get up and move forward. Every time I tried to move forward, I crashed again, finally after crashing so hard I decided to listen and slow down.

Yesterday, my 44Th birthday, I had a procedure(EGD) done to find out what was causing my body to react negatively to solid foods. Of course the doctors give you the worst case scenario before the procedure takes place, so, due to that, I had expectations of spending the night in the hospital, but praying to go home with the best case scenario. Trusting in God and having FAITH in knowing that He is in control of whatever the outcome may be, I was at peace with whatever would soon take place. Once again, the best case scenario played out and I was home by 2pm yesterday afternoon, I was groggy and very tired, but I knew I could go home and rest in the comfort of my own bed.

You ask, what is the worst/best case scenario... well, worst case was a blockage and surgery to repair the blockage. Best case overall would have been absolutely nothing, but, my best case turned out to be a diagnosis of ulcers around the opening of the new stomach, nothing that medication and a liquid diet can't take care of and of course a lot of praying and believing!! After all, I really have no desire for food, so a liquid diet sounded good to me, especially since I could go home and enjoy the rest of my birthday, peacefully!!

You see, I have become overly anxious in my JOURNEY to a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER life. Nearly 3 months post-op, I look and feel like a new man. I have the desire to get up every morning and take on the world, full force with the wind pushing me forward from behind. But my body says no, it's not time. My body is telling me to slow down, but my mind has tried so hard to control this situation and since my mind won't listen to my body, God has intervened and instructed me to listen. You see, God knows how and when to get your attention, and it isn't always in a positive way, but He sure knew how to get mine and I have finally slowed down and decided to let my body dictate when it's time to push harder and move a little faster, after all, in the end the stop clock will still read the same, because it's all in God's timing and He makes no mistakes!!

Today I challenge each of you to listen to your bodies calls, listen to the aches and pains and pay attention to it's desires. Take care of yourself first and foremost, because...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

My JOURNEY continues to move forward and I continue to leap over those hurdles on a daily basis, but I will learn to take my time and enjoy each expression of breath, as I inhale deeply, I will cherish a slow exhale!

Thank you again to all who have thought of me, prayed for me and continue to LOVE me!!

Merry Christmas

and I will see you all in

Until next post,

GOD SPEED!

Tony

8 weeks and ShRiNkIng!!

THANK YOU to those of you who continue to read my blog and look forward to the next update, and THANK YOU for all the thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement!

Today, Tuesday, November 24, 2009, 8 weeks and 2 days post-op.......

CURRENT WEIGHT: 303

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS SINCE FEBRUARY: 123

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS SINCE SEPTEMBER 28Th: 63

November 23, 2009

Today I don't have allot to say as I am trying to stay focused on positive thoughts, feelings and moods!

I will say that looking back at past picture's really puts this new LIFE CHANGING experience into perspective! I am very grateful for the weight loss, no pain in my knee's, no cramping in my legs and most of all...

I FINALLY FEEL GREAT!!!

I have had a few set backs the past 2 weeks, but, as I said earlier, I am staying focused on...

POSITIVE!!

Before I close this evening, I want to let you all know, that without your support, prayers and encouragement, this process would have been tougher than it has been, but I THANK God for the opportunity at a second chance to make my life HEALTHIER and HAPPIER!

I have enjoyed shopping and buying a few smaller clothes the past week, and look forward to being able to go on a shopping spree in the next 6-8 months!!

On this THANKSGIVING, GIVE THANKS to God for the many blessings that He has placed upon you and your family during this year, and remember to THANK Him in ADVANCE for the many blessings that are in store for the new year!!

Remember...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE!!

Take care of yourself first so that when needed, you will be healthy enough to take care of those in need around you!

On this Holiday season, I encourage and challenge you to be a blessing to someone in need!!

May each of you have a BLESSED and JOYOUS THANKSGIVING!

I LOVE each of you!

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." ~Alphonse Karr

Until next update,

GOD SPEED

Tony

So Many Blessings

Happy Thursday to all!

I hope that today you enjoy the LIFE that God has placed before you as it is such a wonderful BLESSING!

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day and I have promised myself that today I will make the best out of every obstacle that I face. Why you might ask, what is so special about today? Well, for starter's, God seen it fit to breathe the breath of life into my body this morning, He has allowed me the blessing to rise and walk in His presence another day! Thank you Jesus for your unconditional LOVE, your GRACE and your Mercy!

This afternoon I headed outside for my walk, one that I haven't taken since this past Sunday afternoon. I just had no energy this week and I started back to work on a part time basis on Monday morning, I have to tell you that after being off for nearly 5 weeks and having my strength and stamina taken away from me do to the surgery, it was very draining and after working a full day, all I wanted to do was sleep.

As I headed down the street, an unusual path for me as I usually start up the street, I walked upon two wonderful neighbors, one that has been a source of encouragement and prayer and the other that I had no idea she knew of my JOURNEY, but so thankful to find out that she has been following the blog and praying on my behalf. Actually, she is the inspiration to sit down today and update the blog. Why, you ask?, well, she told me that she looks forward to reading my updates and listening to the music, and that she has missed getting my updates. God sure has a way of speaking to you through others! Cindy, thank you for speaking those few simple words to me!! Gretchen, thank you, you are such an inspiration and a wonderful source of encouragement! Big Hugs to both of you!!

So, it has been awhile since I last updated and so many things have taken place, so, I will begin to share....

The past two weeks have been tiring as well as amazing! During this time I have battled with bronchitis, sinus infection and to say the least, very weak and drained as I have had no desire to do anything but lay in bed, sleep and watch TV!

There were a few days that I just wanted God to take me home as I was so tired of being sick and tired. One particular day I decided to get up and take a shower, let me tell you, it was a huge effort just to get out of bed and turn on the water as I was very weak and displaced. I took that shower, but I had something to happen to me while taking that shower that literally scared me to a point of almost dialing 9-1-1 to get help, but I was too embarrassed to make the call, so I prayed as I held myself up by the shower walls. Within 20 minutes, I felt like the enemy had been removed from my inner being and there was nothing more that he could do to me on that day to make life so miserable. One BLESSING to speak of... I asked God to remove whatever it was that had me in that position while taking my shower, and He did just that, once again, He has proven to me that He will never leave my side during my JOURNEY!

It has taken me most of two weeks to get over the illness, but thankfully, I am getting stronger everyday and I finally feel like things are turning around for the better! YAY!!

As I look back over the past five weeks, I am so amazed that the many things that I have gone through, the ANGER, DEPRESSION and the feeling of just wanting to give up and let go have seemed to cease! I was reminded early on that these were some of the things that I would experience, of course I didn't think that I would, after all, I prepared for this JOURNEY long before the actual surgery that has now changed my life for the better and forever!

I know that I have said some very hurtful things to one of my closest friends, and yes, they have decided to back away for awhile, and maybe even forever although I hope not, but one thing I am so thankful for is that I know that they realize that it's a process and I have to process those emotions and feelings, I just hate that I lashed out at them, but, God knows my heart and He knows that I didn't intend or mean the words that were spoken and I hope they know as well. I hope that they know that I have deep sorrow in knowing that I have lashed out at the one that has loved and cared for me so much. This really isn't the place to say it, and I have said it directly to them, but I am again sincerely apologizing and asking for your foregiveness! Know that my heart is full of LOVE, CARING and GIVING, and all I want to do is first LOVE, CARE for and GIVE back to myself as well as LOVE, CARE for and GIVE my heart to YOU!

During this past couple of weeks I have asked God to help me deal with my ANGER issue, yes, I was angry at myself and once again, He hasn't failed me. I have had to battle with myself to forgive ME, but I finally realized that God gave me this second chance to become a healthier, happier ME, and finally I am ok and have moved on and looking forward to so many wonderful days full of good health, happiness and many many blessings!!!

As I stood and chatted with Gretchen and Cindy this afternoon, the more I began to share my experiences with them over the past five weeks, and let me tell you, I was a chatter box, I continued to hear myself say things that never really clicked before, but in our conversation, I spoke of so many small blessings that I never really thought about. Several times Gretchen looked at me and said "Tony, you have been blessed in so many ways!".

So let me just share with you what she was talking about......

* During my period of really having a hard time drinking the protien drinks, dealing with the ANGER and DEPRESSION, an old co-worker/friend just so happened to pop back into my life. Lisa had lapband surgery a year or so ago, she has been a great help in my dealing with the issues as well as sharing her experiences during her first couple of months post-op. Lisa shared with me that I am not crazy and that she too dealt with the ANGER and DEPRESSION! She told me to continue to process my feelings, that family and true, loyal friends will be there when it's all said and done. You never know when or who God will place in your life! Thank you Lisa!
* Most bariatric patients have issues with their food coming back up. Guess what, I have yet to throw my food back up. I have had a few episodes of discomfort from the food sitting in my chest, but let me tell you, I would rather deal with that for an hour than to have dry heaves and the discomfort and soreness for several days after.
* Most patients experience nausea. You guessed it, not me, I have had nausea one time and I believe it was from the drainage of my sinuses.
* My legs no longer swell and the pooling of blood in the back of my legs have almost disappeared completely. Several months ago during my original appointment to have the stress test, I was diagnosed with a condition that causes the flow of blood to flow one way and not both, causing pooling in the bottom of your legs just above the ankles. I was told that in a year I would need to have a stint placed in the bad vein to stop the pooling. Well, from the looks of my legs, that won't be necessary....PRAISING GOD in advance for a complete healing!!
* Patients that use a CPAP machine usually continue to use it for several months after surgery. Well, if you remember, I complained about that nagging machine that I became dependent on for so many years, the first week after surgery. I had it fixed and guess what, yep, I haven't used it since!!
* Remember me telling you about the knee replacement that I was now going to be able to have? Well, I have lost over 100lbs. since February 2009, and I no longer have any knee pain, stiffness, soreness or discomfort!! I will go back the first part of next year to have x-rays done, but I believe that I am healed!!
* Some of you may remember me talking about the pain and discomfort in my lower left back that would wake me in the early morning and also bother me during the day, especially when my bladder was full. No pain since surgery!! WOOHOO!

There are so many more things that I could mention, but just know that I am so thankful for the many blessings that God has seen fit to give me. When you walk in His presence and are obedient, He will sow many blessings upon you, sometimes they may seem overwhelming, but know that when He is happy with you, He commends you for your obedience!

As I focus on today, and such a beautiful day it is, I am reminded that LIFE is a JOURNEY, we all have to pass through it, so, I challenge each of you today, to make your LIFE'S JOURNEY a JOYOUS, HAPPY time. Make the best of every minute of every day! Remember to LOVE, CARE for and GIVE back to YOURSELF, once you take care of YOU, the rest is easy and you can then LOVE, CARE for and GIVE to someone else! Just remember to make our Father in Heaven a PRIORITY in YOUR LIFE JOURNEY!!

I challenge each of you today to do something kind for someone in need, whether it is to share a SMILE, a HUG, a hot meal to a homeless person or family in need, tell someone they look BEAUTIFUL or even a simple I LOVE YOU! You never know who's life you may touch by just a simple jesture!

Today I say, YOU are BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE each and everyone of YOU!!

Thank God today for all your BLESSINGS and continue to thank Him in advance for those that are in store for you!

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence. ~Og Mandino

Today I THANK GOD for BLESSING my life with each of YOU!

Until the next post,

GOD SPEED!

Tony