Man in the mirror...

Today I begin by saying a very SPECIAL THANK YOU to my primary care physician, Dr. Michael Munger, my psycologist, Dr. Ravi Sabapathy and my surgeon, Dr. Stanley Hoehn. The three of you have helped me to change my life for the better and there are no words meaningful enough to express my THANKFULNESS and APPRECIATION for your caring nature and concern about me and my health! THANK YOU!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE>>>>>>>

As of yesterday, Wednesday, January 13, 2010, my current weight, fully clothed(and I have to say I looked like a HANDSOME model out of the GQ magazine, HAHA! )- 276lbs

Weight loss total since February 20, 2009- 150lbs

Weight loss total since September 28, 2009(Surgery date)- 90lbs

So the title reads "Man in the mirror"...

Michael Jackson said it best:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

Those words have really settled into my soul. I have finally realized that my JOURNEY is not a dream, it's a reality and For Once In My Life, I have made a Change, a change that feels so good, it feels so right, it's a positive change that not only has made a difference in my life, but those that share it with me!

Many days I look in the mirror, usually after I come out of the shower(not a pretty site), but I see a drastic change in my physical appearance. Some days I tear up and wonder why, most days I smile and say to myself "YOU GO BOY!". Those days that I tear up and wonder WHY, I try to focus on the present and the future and not the past. I try very hard to live for that moment, and how great I feel, how good it feels to walk into JCPenney's or MACY'S and be able to purchase new clothes. Some of you may say to yourself, "why is that such a big deal?", well, it's a big deal to me because it has been years and I literally mean years since I was able to purchase a pair of jeans or a sweater from somewhere other than The Casual Male BIG & TALL store or HYROOPS BIG & TALL store.

The SMILE always gets BIGGER when I step in front of the mirror after a shower, a freshly shaved face and all the other necessities that take place, and I am fully dressed. I no longer fill up the mirror's edges, I can actually see what's behind me now from the sides, HAHA, what we take for granted! I find myself lately, adjusting my clothes so they look just right, yesterday I laughed at myself, why?, you ask... HAHA, I POPPED MY COLLAR!! LOL!! I guess you can say I was feeling very confident, some might say I was feeling myself, but whatever the case may be, I FELT GOOD ABOUT WHAT I SAW IN THE MIRROR!!

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment, and just to share with you how good I am starting to feel about myself, my attire was something different from my usual attire. See, usually I would go to the doctor in shorts and a t-shirt in the warmer months, sweats and t-shirt in the colder months, but yesterday, as my wife's cousin LeeLee would say, I WAS CLEAN AS PETEY GREEN!!

When I walked into the office, the scheduling lady happened to come out of her office to grab a bottle of water, she took a double take at me sitting there and she said with a big smile on her face and in a high pitched voice, "Tony! YOU LOOK GOOD!". Do you know how good that feels to be complimented on? It's exciting, but at the same time, your mind begins to wonder back to the past, you wonder what did people think of you and your appearance before!

Oh well, at this point in my life, it no longer matter's what people thought of me in the past, what's important now, is how I feel and look today and what the future holds for me!

Yesterday was a GREAT day! My doctor complimented me as well, he told me that the v-neck Chaps vest and white mock turtle neck I had on, fit me well and it looked great on me, he even pointed out that he had never seen me in slacks, dress shoes and shirt, his words went something like this... with a glowing smile on his face "VERY NICE TONY!".

Prior to my doctor's appointment, I went to KU Medical Center to visit a dear family member who is fighting for his life. As I stood next to him, I heard a sequence of very soft words come from his mouth. I didn't quite make out what he said, so I asked him again and very softly with a smile on his face and shaking his head in the manner of yes, he said "You are looking really good". WOW, this man is very very weak and most times doesn't say much if anything at all, but he found enough strength to compliment me! Thank you Uncle Arthur for noticing the new me and finding the strength to tell me!!

Friends, this is all new to me and I will tell you that it is an AWESOME feeling to be noticed by so many! I never really realized how large of a man I was until now, something as simple as receiving a hug and the person exchanging the hug saying "WOW, my arms actually go around you now!" So many little things that I never thought I would be able to ever do again, I can now do, for instance, leaning over when sitting in a chair and having a set of thighs to relax my arms on, crossing my leg and placing it on top of my knee, bending over and tying my shoes, looking down and actually seeing my feet, sitting in a booth comfortably at a restaurant. It's the little things that I am so thankful for!

One thing that I want each of you to know is this, I may be shrinking from an outwardly or physical appearance, but the size of my HEART will NEVER shrink!!!

So, as I continue to look in the mirror, I will continue to change for the better, but more importantly, my years have now and will continue to be extended so that I can continue to share with each of you my blessings and my new life!

Thank you for standing by my side through my JOURNEY. A few of you have been through HELL with me the past year, especially the past 3-1/2 or 4 months, you know who you are, and I want you to know that without your persistence in caring and loving me, I'm not sure where I would be at this point in my JOURNEY, so THANK YOU for holding on and taking the ride, it's not over, but it sure is getting to be a whole lot smoother, I've got a new set of struts and shocks on this new life of mine!!

As I close this entry, please pray for Uncle Arthur Burns, pray that God's will be done and that His peace, love, grace and mercy be placed upon him and the family.

Continue to pray for cousin Jill!

Also pray for the people of Haiti.

Please pray for the many people that are battling cancer, pray for peace over the loved ones of those who have lost their battle of this horrible disease!

Also, I would ask that you keep a new found friend in prayer as well, Leslie is embarking upon her new life's journey, pray for her peace of mind and strength to succeed, Leslie, you can do it!

Lastly, I would ask that each of you pray for HAPPINESS and PEACE in each other's lives!

Know that my heart is filled with JOY that each of you continue with me on my JOURNEY, you mean the world to me!

As I always remind you......

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE!

Take care of yourself first so that you are able to take care of those around you that need your love and care!

The year ahead is a new season, it's a new day, and there's a fresh anointing flowing our way! Let's open our hearts and let God fill our spirit with His LOVE, His PEACE and His GRACE and MERCY!

NIV - Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Tell someone you LOVE them today, you never know, it might be what gets them through the day!

Until the next post,
GOD SPEED

I LOVE YOU!
Tony

Jumping Hurdles

Today, I want to give a BIG THANKS to my Lord and Savior, JESUS CHRIST for BLESSING ME to live 44 years. I also want to THANK Him in ADVANCE for the many many more years that He is going to BLESS Me with!!

I know that God has so many things in store for me, and now that I am living a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER life, I will be able to experience and share those BLESSINGS!

So, the title reads "Jumping Hurdles" ...

I have began to look at myself as a track star, someone who looks far beyond the first 50 yards, the first hurdle. Someone who is so anxious to reach that last 1/4 mile, someone who can't wait to leap over that first hurdle, but once he jumps off the starting block, reality soon sets in and his focus is quickly interrupted when he reaches the third hurdle along his journey to reaching that finish line. As he leaps to clear the third hurdle, his foot gets caught and he falls to the ground, he quickly tries to get back up! See, he continues to see the finish line just a few yards away and he so badly wants to reach that line, but his legs say NO!!

His legs are sort of like God speaking to him, telling him to slow down. It's okay to move slower than you would like. It's okay to reach the finish line a 1/2 second slower than you were hoping, really, it is okay. God says take the time to enjoy this journey that He has set forth.

You see, the last three weeks I have been trying to reach that finish line quicker than what God has set forth for me to do. I have hurried myself along in the phase of eating more solid foods, so fast that I have caused my body to react in a negative way. Even though my body was crashing like the track star that got hung up on the third hurdle, I continued to let the sight of that finish line force me to try to get up and move forward. Every time I tried to move forward, I crashed again, finally after crashing so hard I decided to listen and slow down.

Yesterday, my 44Th birthday, I had a procedure(EGD) done to find out what was causing my body to react negatively to solid foods. Of course the doctors give you the worst case scenario before the procedure takes place, so, due to that, I had expectations of spending the night in the hospital, but praying to go home with the best case scenario. Trusting in God and having FAITH in knowing that He is in control of whatever the outcome may be, I was at peace with whatever would soon take place. Once again, the best case scenario played out and I was home by 2pm yesterday afternoon, I was groggy and very tired, but I knew I could go home and rest in the comfort of my own bed.

You ask, what is the worst/best case scenario... well, worst case was a blockage and surgery to repair the blockage. Best case overall would have been absolutely nothing, but, my best case turned out to be a diagnosis of ulcers around the opening of the new stomach, nothing that medication and a liquid diet can't take care of and of course a lot of praying and believing!! After all, I really have no desire for food, so a liquid diet sounded good to me, especially since I could go home and enjoy the rest of my birthday, peacefully!!

You see, I have become overly anxious in my JOURNEY to a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER life. Nearly 3 months post-op, I look and feel like a new man. I have the desire to get up every morning and take on the world, full force with the wind pushing me forward from behind. But my body says no, it's not time. My body is telling me to slow down, but my mind has tried so hard to control this situation and since my mind won't listen to my body, God has intervened and instructed me to listen. You see, God knows how and when to get your attention, and it isn't always in a positive way, but He sure knew how to get mine and I have finally slowed down and decided to let my body dictate when it's time to push harder and move a little faster, after all, in the end the stop clock will still read the same, because it's all in God's timing and He makes no mistakes!!

Today I challenge each of you to listen to your bodies calls, listen to the aches and pains and pay attention to it's desires. Take care of yourself first and foremost, because...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

My JOURNEY continues to move forward and I continue to leap over those hurdles on a daily basis, but I will learn to take my time and enjoy each expression of breath, as I inhale deeply, I will cherish a slow exhale!

Thank you again to all who have thought of me, prayed for me and continue to LOVE me!!

Merry Christmas

and I will see you all in

Until next post,

GOD SPEED!

Tony