Today, as I woke from a night of comfortable, peaceful sleep, I began by saying THANK YOU to my heavenly Father, for without Him, nothing that I have accomplished over the past 5 months or even the last year would have been possible.
You see, over the past year there have been many a morning that I have awakened with a spirit of letting go and giving up on my journey, but each day I continued along my journey, I prayed that God would keep me and surround me with His grace and mercy.
I have come to realize that no matter how hard my struggles may seem, how difficult my journey has proven to be, that as long as I reach out and draw unto Him, I continue to make it through each day!! ...but GOD!!
Over the past month I have had to cross some obstacles that have taken a toll on my emotional state of mind, things that have made me vulnerable to the voice of Satan himself. You see, my mind and emotional state has not quite caught up with my physical, outwardly appearance. You may ask, "well, what do you mean", well, what I mean is this... when I look in the mirror I see a thinner, healthier man, but to myself I see a man who is facing many more challenges and obstacles soon to come along the journey... the strong possibility of cosmetic surgery down the road, struggles and challenges of eating, not really being a part of outings with friends and family, because they really don't know how to approach me or invite me to functions where their is food or beverages, so instead of inviting me, they basically leave me out of the equation, of course because it's easier for them to deal with, but what they don't realize is this.... IT HURTS ME when I find out that gatherings or outings have taken place and I wasn't involved.
Satan takes the opportunity during these times to play on my emotions. When I reach out to those I love and care for and have loved and cared for through the low times in their life, it seems as though they are to busy or so involved in their daily life, that they ignore that they have a friend who is in need of a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a simple hug or even a few encouraging words... but GOD!!
I will share something with you today that first off is embarrassing to say, but remember, I said in the beginning that I would not hold back and I would share everything that was going on in my journey... I never ever in my entire 44 years of living thought I would ever feel or say these words, but, 3 1/2 weeks ago I allowed Satan to take control of my life and within an instant second I decided that I no longer wanted to fight! This particular day I met with a very dear friend to share how I was feeling inside about myself, about them and how they have begun to treat me the past 4 months. After spilling my feelings and emotions and of course allowing them the opportunity to spill theirs, I felt as if it just wasn't worth the fight any longer. After leaving the discussion and feeling as though I just spilled my feelings all over an empty table where their was a body sitting across from me, but really wasn't taking anything in that I said, I felt it was time to give up! Again, I never ever thought that I would be vulnerable enough to be caught in the emotional state that I was in at that time, but I was, and at the time Satan took advantage of it.
As I was driving home, I was listening to XM Praise Radio, trying to relax my mind, but as I began my trek across the Missouri River I looked over the side rail and seen the swift moving cold waters and thought to myself, this is it, now is the opportunity to end it all...I slowed my vehicle down from a quick 75mph to a mere 35mph, put my hazard blinkers on and as I began to pull to the shoulder of the highway a soft internal voice spoke to me and said "Why would you end it all now, when you have accomplished so much in such a short time, WHY?"
You know, I couldn't answer the WHY, because that internal voice was right, I have accomplished so much in such a short time. God has made possible all the things that I have asked Him for thus far, a healthier me, to share my story with the world, to touch just one life if not more during this journey, but more so to make it possible to experience so many blessings during this short time and to share them with others around me... all the things that I asked Him for in the beginning! ...but GOD!!
Well, you guessed it right, I turned off my hazard lights, picked up speed and ventured along my way, leaving behind me the swift moving cold waters and those feelings of giving up, I guess you could say that I left my feelings and thoughts to be swept away with the swift moving cold waters. Once again, Satan was defeated in what he had set out to do!! ...but GOD!!
As I drove closer to home, I decided to stop at my church in hopes that my brother, friend and pastor would be there... I pulled in the parking lot and called only to get a voicemail, but I left a message and walked to the door in hopes that it was unlocked, only to find it locked. As I walked back to my vehicle, my cell phone rang and it was the one that I felt I could share my thoughts and feelings with. As I sat in his office, tears streaming down my face, he looked at me and said "Tony, this is the time when God wants you to draw closer to HIM!" WOW!! Those words couldn't have come at a better time! ...but GOD!!
As I continue my journey, each day truly gets brighter, the difficult challenges are becoming easier and I find my spirit being more joyful. A co-worker looked me in the eyes last evening during a work outing and said to me, "Tony, your smile is so bright and contagious." See, it's the simple words that mean so much to me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have had a smile on my face!
Today, I visited a very dear friend and as I walked through the front door she looked at me and with a GREAT BIG smile on her face, she said "Brotha, you are lookin' good!" You see, it's the simple things that now make my day and today has been an AWESOME day!! ...but GOD!!
As I close this blog I want to first ask that I not be judged by what I have shared today, but take in what I have shared and ask yourself how many times has God pulled you through your lowest of lows and continued on with you during your journey in life?!! ...but GOD!!
If it had not been for the Lord on my side, where would I be?
He kept my enemies away
He let the sun shine, though a cloudy day
He wrapped me in the cradle of His arms when He knew I'd been battered and torn
He never left me all alone
He gave me peace and joy I've never known
He answered when I knelt to Him in prayer and in victory the Lord brought me this way.
If it had not been for the Lord on my side, where would I be?!?!
...but GOD!!
I have learned some very hard lesson's during this journey, but one thing I know for sure... God will NEVER leave me nor forsake me!!!
When the road seems to rough to travel, when people seem to push away when I need them most, I know that it is then, that I draw closer to God, for He will be by my side! ...but GOD!!
Today, I asked that you continue to keep me uplifted in prayer... pray for my family and my friends. Pray for healing in my Uncle Arthur Burns, my dear friend Julia, my cousin Jill and for wisdom in the doctors that are trying to diagnose the problem in my little friend Jack Heller, and pray for peace for my dear friends The Schoonover's.
As I always say...
YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE
Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of those in need around you!!
I give my unconditional love to each of you that reads this entry!!
Thank you all again for your continued support and prayers!
YOU ARE APPRECIATED!!
Until next post,
GOD SPEED
Tony
2 comments:
I really am speechless. You have more courage than I will ever have in a lifetime. Love ya!
Tony, I commend you for taking charge of you health and your future. You did not like the way your life was going so you took steps to REDESIGN it! You restored your vision, revived your passion for living, and reclaimed what was dormant inside of you. With God by your side, you took back what the enemy tried to steal from you and took charge of your Health! Be encouraged Tony, you are looking good and getting healthier each day and you are and continue to be a great source of support and encouragement for me. May God bless and keep you.
Love & Blessings....
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