FORGIVING the ONE that matters most

Three weeks and two days post-op..... -42lbs.

Eight months and one day since I began my JOURNEY..... -97lbs.

As I sit here and look at those numbers, I begin to tear up with JOY!!

GOD is so GOOD!

The past 3 weeks have been ROUGH!! I won't lie, I have been on a freakin' roller coaster ride and it has not been fun!! However, I am so happy to know that this is NORMAL and I AM NOT GOING CRAZY!!

I will fill you in on what has been going on the past several weeks:

ANGER: After talking with a close friend this past week, I finally realized that the ANGER that I was taking out on someone that I care for and love so dearly, was ANGER that I had towards myself. Yep, because I was PISSED and ANGRY, I was at a point of not caring about what I said or who I hurt, however, you know me, I of course felt like crap afterwards. Remember, I am not one to hurt others, but to care for and love others, so this was way out of character for me!

So you ask why was I ANGRY at myself.....well, it's simple, but before I tell you why, I want to clear something up very quickly before you think or let the words out of your mouth... "BUT YOU ARE HAVING SO MANY POSITIVE CHANGES TAKING PLACE IN YOUR LIFE!".

You are RIGHT, there are so many positive changes taking place, but what you fail to realize is this.....when I look in the mirror and see the physical changes, when I try on new clothes, or the clothes that I WOULD NOT get rid of from the past, something as simple as sitting in a booth at a restaurant(something I haven't been able to do in more than 10 years), I get very ANGRY at myself, I am mad that I NEGLECTED ME for so many years, that I cared for everyone but ME, that I let so many people use ME as a doormat for so many years.....so here it comes:

HI, My name is TONY HATMAKER, I AM A CAREGIVER AND I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF! WHY AM I ANGRY?, I HAD TO MAKE SUCH A DRASTIC DECISION TO GET MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH BACK IN ORDER!!

DEPRESSION: You ask why am I depressed, well, the answer is simple....I am ANGRY for one. I have expected things from my friends and family, and needless to say, I have been let down. I am tired of looking at the same four walls everyday and...

I a m t i r e d o f f e e l i n g s i c k a n d t i r e d.

I have absolutely no energy and it SUCKS!! So, what do I do about it.... well, I was told that I needed to process how I was feeling, say what I am feeling and work through it. If I choose not to allow myself to process my feelings, then I would not be able to move forward!

Well, I have processed my feelings, I have spoken my mind to several people and yes, it hurts me to do that, but guess what, I had to realize... IT'S ALL ABOUT ME NOW!!! I have to put Tony Hatmaker in the forefront and make him number 1!

I know, I say it all the time, "YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE", yep, but I am the worst at walking my own talk!!

Yesterday, I had a slap upside the left side of my head and then within minutes I got another one upside the right side!! If God were a man of choice words, He would have said "FOOL, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?" But instead, He got my attention and before He spoke to me in a soft tone, He assured me that no matter who I am, no matter what I look like, HE still LOVES ME!!!

Once He got my attention, God spoke these words to me.... "Son, you cannot move forward until you begin to forgive YOURSELF, you cannot LOVE, CARE for and GIVE unto other's any longer, until you begin to LOVE yourself, CARE for yourself and GIVE back to yourself!!!!!!"

It has taken me all of yesterday afternoon/evening and most of today, to process in my heart what He spoke to me, but I have realized, that I want to continue to be the Tony Hatmaker that I have been all my life, but I know that if I don't forgive ME, learn to LOVE ME, learn to CARE for ME and learn to GIVE back to ME, then I can no longer be ME!

So, today I have made a commitment to myself and to God, that starting today, I will begin to forgive, love, care for and give back to ME!!

This is not going to be easy for me, but I know that a commitment to God is not something you take lightly! And after all, He has continued to be committed to me as He promised He would from the very start of my JOURNEY!!

Today, I say THANK YOU to all my friends and family who have, no matter what I have said or done, you have continued to stick by me. I know that sometimes you want to tell me to take a hike, but instead, you continue to encourage me, you have no idea how much that means to me!

I do want to say that at this point in my JOURNEY, I need to pull away and focus on myself. What does this mean? Well, basically, you may not hear from me for awhile, you may not get an update on the blog for awhile, but know that I am still here and I still LOVE each of you!! This does not mean you have to stop leaving encouraging words, praying for me or just leaving me a voicemail or an email to say you are thinking about me! I STILL NEED YOU TO CONTINUE PRAYING AND LEAVING ENCOURAGING WORDS!!

PLEASE be patient with me as GOD IS NOT THROUGH WITH ME YET!!

Remember, I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS... I AM UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!


He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends. Proverbs 17: 9


Until the next post,

GOD SPEED!

Tony

SPINNING...

I AM UNDER CONSTRUCTION...A WORK IN PROGRESS!!

Today I am going to try very hard to make this a short entry, but, no promises!!

As I sit here this morning, I am trying to put so many pieces to this puzzle called MY JOURNEY together, but I feel as though I am SPINNING out of control!

See this past week, heck seems like two weeks, my emotions have flown to an increased level that I felt I had no control over. But as I have allowed myself to process those emotions, I have began to learn so much about myself and the people that are closest to me! Now I'm not talking about family, I'm speaking about friends!

Yesterday my baby sissy-in-law, my #1 fan from Houston, Texas called to see how I was doing and apparently the tone of my voice triggered that there was something wrong. She asked me what was wrong and I began to open up to her and tell her just how I am feeling on the inside, my spirit and my soul! I won't go into detail as I have done a good job of that in the last couple of entries, but she said these words to me:

"ToneTone, you are a one of a kind individual, God gave you a heart and spirit of LOVE, CARING and GIVING and you CANNOT expect others to be like YOU."

She said to me that she understood that it is hurtful when you expect certain people in your life to be by your side when you need them the most and they don't respond, but she said something to me that clicked...

"ToneTone, what comes natural to you, is usually a BURDEN to someone else!"

WOW!! I never looked at the situation like that, people have become so contained with their own lives that when there is something extra to add to it, it is a BURDEN, so why be BURDENED when it's easier to continue on doing what you are accustomed to doing!?!

Joyell told me to STOP expecting, once I stop expecting people to do what I have expected from them, then my JOURNEY will move along FREELY!

So, today, I am taking my sissy-in-laws advise, I WILL NO LONGER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE, after all, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO ANYBODY!!

In saying that, if I have to walk this JOURNEY alone from a natural sense, and only walk it from a spiritual sense with my Heavenly Father, then that's what I have to do! So, if you get left behind, don't blame me, I am on a JOURNEY and I can't let YOU stop me from accomplishing my goals......A HEALTHIER, HAPPIER LIFE!!

I asked God today, to give me the strength that I need to move forward and He assured me that He has yet to leave my side! He and I continue to walk this JOURNEY together, it's a long journey, but the end will be so SWEET!!

Moving on to how I am feeling and how the food introductions are going!

Last Friday evening was the highlight of the re-introduction of solid food products...Salmon for dinner. I was a little apprehensive to say the least, after all, Salmon is very strong and the texture is different. Now I like Salmon, but I knew this was going to be a challenge!! Yup, a challenge it was, let's just say that I will not be trying Salmon for a very long time!!! It tasted so good to me, but I could not get it to go down, I chewed and I chewed and I chewed and it still would not pass through the opening in my "new stomach". I have never experienced that kind of pain in my entire life, yes I have had some excruciating pain before, but this was a different kind of pain, it hurt so bad to have that Salmon sitting in the middle of my chest, that I had to go to bed for the rest of the night!!

Since the Salmon episode, I have struggled to add a new protien daily, as I am comfortable with what I know I can tolerate. However, last evening I did pan sear a 2 ounce piece of Orange Roughy that my dear friend Becky brought to me the evening before, and I was able to eat all but one bite!!

I am still having issues with the Protien drinks, my sense of smell and taste are so off, that I just can't get past it, but I know over time it will get better. My only concern is that I am not meeting the requirement of 60grams of protien a day, I am averaging 30-40grams, and I am sure that is why I am still very weak!

Please continue to pray for me! I am asking for specific prayers, pray for my strength and continued healing of my body, pray that my emotional state will be covered with God's peace and pray that my spirits become full of joy!!

I LOVE all of you!!

Remember...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

Until the next post...

GOD SPEED!!
Tony

GRIEVING...

Post-op day # 13

So, I am jumping right into this blog entry because I need to release my feelings. This may not mean much to you, but I am praying that it helps me begin to process what is currently taking place with my emotions!

This evening I had to pull out my "HANDBOOK", yes, I have a handbook to help me along this process of becoming a healthier me!!

The last several days my emotions have been flying extremely high. I haven't let anyone know, I have held it within and now, I have no more room to hold back. Before I get started on what I am feeling, I would like to share with you what my "HANDBOOK" says about the process of GRIEVING!

GRIEF WORK

Saying "good-bye" to unhealthy behaviors may make you feel sad or bad... this is grief work. Grieving is a healthy way to process emotions. Don't suppress these emotions. Only by experiencing them can you let them go.

The stages of grief are:

1. Denial - "I don't have to change my unhealthy behavior"
2. Anger - "I'm mad I need to change this behavior."
3. Bargaining - "If I do _______, I won't need to change my behavior."
4. Depression - "I'm so sad my behavior needs to be changed."
5. Acceptance - "I need to change my behavior and that's OK."

So, you noticed that two of the stages are "BLUE", well, that's because those are the two that I am currently dealing with, and my way of dealing with it is so very weird to me as well as the outburst that has taken place in the past 24hrs.

I haven't had to deal with stages 1,3 & 5 because I knew I HAD to do what I have done to become a healthier, happier me. I have never been in Denial, I never Bargained with myself and I Accepted this back in February when I made "The Decision"!!

Let's talk about Stage 2 - ANGER: I'm not mad that I need to change my behavior, well, maybe I am and just don't realize it. But things around me are just getting under my skin. Situations that I would normally blow off and say WHATEVER, are now upsetting me to a point of almost telling certain people in my life to get LOST!! Yes, I said it, and as I sit here and write it, it HURTS me deeply to even know that I am thinking and feeling this way! See, these are some of the things that I would have laughed about before, but for whatever reason, they are hurting me, and as I think about those situations I am saying to myself, "WHY, WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMETHING SO MINOR GET TO YOUR EMOTIONS?"

I can't even answer my own question, because I don't know!!

So many thoughts roll through my mind, like, "Am I not good enough?", "Are those close to me ashamed of my obese size?", "Why does it seem that I am treated differently than others?", "Why is it that I am the one that always drops what I am doing to make sure a loved one's situation is taken care of?", "Why is it that those I love seem to not have time for me when I need them most?"...

Yes, these are some of the thoughts that go through my mind, so much so that I have had an outburst about something, that in the past I would have never let phase me! It hurts me to feel the way that I am feeling, why you say?, because I know that if I don't figure out the "WHY", I am going to HURT someone that is very dear to my heart, who knows, I may have already done that, and God in Heaven knows that my spirit is not one to HURT, but to LOVE!! After all, I have said that God has given me the spirit to LOVE, CARE for and GIVE to others, so why, why am I feeling this way?

I know that I am a work in progess....A better term that I will use is:

I am praying that God "SNATCHES" me by my collar and get's me back on track, back to the me that I love and know, because this JERK that I have become the last couple of days is not cool, but seems like I have lost the control of my emotions!

Let's now talk about Stage 4 - DEPRESSION: Ok, so I am admitting that I am in a state of depression!! You would be too if you had to sit in the house for nearly two weeks, look at the same 4 walls, the same beige carpet, same purple rooms, hey, it get's OLD! Some days I just wanted to get out and if nothing else go look at the TARGET sign on the building, HELL, that's RED, better than PURPLE!! I just wanted to see a different face, look into someone elses eyes and hear someone elses voice. Don't get me wrong, having my mom here was the BIGGEST blessing I could have had the last two weeks, but I will be honest with you, I think she was ready to see something or someone different too!!

You know, I haven't said much about it, but seeing such a drastic change in my body has had an affect on me as well. I know, you say "that's a good thing!", yes it is, but when you have looked in the mirror at yourself for so many years and seen the same disgusting body that you neglected for so long, it kinda gets to be emotional!! Yes, it is a wonderful thing, but the emotional piece of it is "why did I let myself get to this point?"

I am happy that I came to my senses before it was to late, and I thank God everyday for giving me another chance to make it right! See, He didn't have to, He could have taken me on home, but He knew I wasn't ready, He knew that I have alot of work left to do on this place we call earth! I have so many people to reach out to and share my love with them and the love of Christ! My prayer is that when the skies open up and God reaches down to take us into Heaven, that each of you are right there with me, I don't want to see any of you left behind!!

If you are reading this blog, I ask that when you lay your head down tonight, PLEASE say a special prayer for ME!! Pray that my ANGER is turned into JOY, pray that my state of DEPRESSION is released into PEACE!

I don't want to hurt the ones I love and care for so dearly, and I want to have the PEACE and JOY that this journey is bringing me!!

On a lighter side, I walked my 1st mile this morning since surgery 2 weeks ago! It was so refreshing to walk and breathe the brisk air!

I even had to do a little clothes shopping today, I went to Wally World and bought me 2 sets of sweat outfits and a t-shirt that I just had to have!! Guess what, I bought a size 3XL! This is a major thing for me as I am now 2-3 sizes smaller than I was a month or so ago!! I haven't worn a 3XL in 10 years!! My dear friend Becky reminded me tonight that the last time she seen me in a 3XL was 10 years ago when I painted the interior of her duplex! WOW! So many changes taking place so quickly, but they are positive changes and I am looking forward to many more!!

You know, it's funny, I have said from the beginning that blogging my thoughts and feelings would become a healing process for me, and you know what, just writing the last paragraph has up lifted my spirits!

I LOVE each of you! PLEASE be PATIENT with me as....
I AM UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I promise, this diamond that is in the rough will soon have the edges knocked off, the imperfections removed and polished to a high gloss of a BEAUTIFUL, ONE OF A KIND JEWEL!!

Mom, THANK YOU for all you did for me the past two weeks, YOU ARE AWESOME! I pray that God BLESSES you 10,000 fold!!

As I close tonight, I have to remind all of you, that...
YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

Take care of yourself first, so that you will be around to take care of others!

God has made me the person I am today. I never claim to be perfect, but everyday I try to grow as a person in God and through my relationships.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!!

Until the next post...

GOD SPEED,
Tony

Flying over the COOCOO'S nest

Post-op day #10

Yup, that's right, I am currently ready to FLY OVER THE COOCOO'S NEST! I am just about ready to be committed to the padded room!

Okay, it's not that bad, but, I am just about to pull my hair out!! LOL!

I am not used to sitting at home without the choice of stepping out the house to run errands, run the vacuum cleaner, clean the glass tables, wash my clothes, YES, I WASH MY OWN CLOTHES, visit friends or family or just take a nice ride through the city. My, the LITTLE things that we take for granted!!

Yesterday(Wednesday), I got a tad bit brave and decided to drive myself to the store! Huh, that was an adventure!! I made it there fine, feeling very wierd, kinda like I just wasn't with it, my hands and feet weren't quite reacting as fast as my mind! I enjoyed my walk through the store, as well as shopping for a quick easy meal to cook for mom, something HEALTHY!! I guess you could say I was feeling pretty good!! The walk was refreshing, I walked every isle, much easier to walk the flat store than the inclines in my neighborhood. I was exhausted when I checked out. I walked to the truck feeling somewhat out of place. I sat in the truck for a minute or two to get my bearings back in order and ventured back home. The feeling of not quite being with it hightened to a very strange level. I mean, I knew I had better get back home before I hit something or somebody!! WHEW, I made it back in one piece!! But I will say, it was good to get out and enjoy the scenery and fresh air.

You know, my shopping experience was different yesterday, I usually fill up my basket with all the things I would plan to cook during the week or two, this time, I used the little buggy as I needed a little bit of support, and had less than 10 items. Most of those 10 items were things that I would be re-introducing back into my diet for the next month!! WOW, what a change and my bill was only $23.47, sure beats the $100 - $130 bill I usually have!!

I cooked mom a meal last evening, baked chicken breast with a Carribean Citrus seasoning and a drizzle of olive oil, baked sweet potato, salad and a slice of pumpkin pie and a fresh pot of coffee with pumpkin spice creamer!!! MMMMMMM, I LOVE PUMPKIN SPICE coffee creamer! Mom seemed to enjoy her meal and had leftovers for lunch today! By the way, NO, I can't have coffee or creamer, any milk for that matter!!

Ok, so now you want to know what I enjoyed for dinner, right? AHHHH, sliced deli turkey, Boar's Head Honey Maple Glazed, my favorite! Guess what, I cheated myself! My mind must have really been in a weird state! I should have measured out 2-3oz., but I measured out .3oz, yep, 3 tenths of an ounce, but I wasn't hungry afterwards!!

Mom and I headed to bed early as both of us were exhausted. I slept for about 2 1/2 hours and then I was back up for pretty much the remainder of the night and early morning. I enjoyed the sound of the rain and thunder, God was speaking to me during this time, but I have to be honest, I didn't listen very well as I was trying to figure out on my own how to handle some things that I am dealing with! When I wore myself down, He said softly, JUST LET GO!!

I am still strugglng with sleep, not sure if it is because I am exhausted or if there is something else going on. In 10 days I have had 2 nights that I actually slept 7-8 hours without waking, the other nights are on average, 2-4 hours. Not sure if my CPAP machine needs to be re-adjusted or what, it's possible, after all, I have lost nearly 90lbs in the last 9 months. HMMMM, saying that makes me think that I should call the sleep doctor and get an appointment! One thing to do tomorrow!!

Being locked up in the house, looking at the same 4 walls in every room is driving me nuts!! I just want to see a new face or a new set of 4 walled rooms, something different, you know what I mean?!?!?! I know, everyone says enjoy it, but it's hard, after all, I'm a pretty active guy, and now that I have lost a teenager in weight, I am beginning to have the energy of that teenager!!

I need to say a quick THANK YOU to Ma, Pops, Becky and Tammy for checking in on me everyday and most days coming by to see me, you guys are AWESOME!!

Mom, THANK YOU!! I don't know what I would have done without you these last two weeks. Greg, thanks for being here everyday, just knowing you are here makes me feel at ease!!

Ok, so, you know, I posted a status on one of my other pages today that I borrowed from someone else......

"Be the friend that you want to have"!

I try so hard to be a loving, caring, giving friend, you know, that unforgettable friend! I try so very hard to be that friend that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how busy I am, no matter how stressful my situation is, I try to take time daily to check on those that I know need to be checked on! I guess that's why I am labeled a CAREGIVER, but I wouldn't have it any other way, because I LOVE loving those that are a part of my life! Besides, I want to be the friend that I want to have!!

Now listen, I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on anybody, actually, I am taking this as a learning experience for myself. One, there will never be another me, and there is nobody that can LOVE, CARE for or GIVE like Tony Hatmaker!! See, I have a special God given talent for loving, caring and giving unto others, no, not giving in a monetary sense(and sometimes I have to be obedient to God and give monetarily as well, after all, I don't want to miss out on my blessing), but giving what God has given me to give, my love and caring nature! So much so, that I forget to LOVE, CARE for and GIVE back to myself! It is something that is a work in progress and I will tell you that it is not easy making a change that has been my life for 43 years...BUT GOD!! Also, I feel that this is time that God wants me to focus on Him. He has so many wonderful things in store for me, after all, this is a journey, a journey that He has taken every step, one step at a time with me!!

I have said before that I too am human, I do have feelings and emotions, and sometimes I would like to be treated like the friend that I am, but I am learning to expect the unexpected and not the expected!

I hope that I didn't offend anyone tonight, that wasn't my intent! I pray that each of you continue to walk this journey with me and my Heavenly Father! But if you choose not to, it's okay, I will continue to LOVE you anyway!!

Today, I had alot of quiet time, after all it rained all day long, but I'm not complaining, it was peaceful and very relaxing. My mother-in-law came over and spent some time with me today, we sat and laughed while I spent time trying to figure out how to add a playlist to my blog... by the way, I hope you enjoy the music while you are reading!! My friend Robyn was coming over to visit with me, but her daughter has a cough, so I thought it was a better idea to reschedule for another day, after all, the last thing I need right now is to be sick with the flu or a cold!! I was so looking forward to their visit, but I would rather be safe than sorry. We will see what tomorrow brings!

In closing I would like to again say THANK YOU to those that have come by, called, brought food for mom. Your prayers, those are most important!! The encouraging words, PLEASE, don't stop now, my comment pages have dwendled to nearly nothing and your encouraging comments keep me going everyday! YES, I check everyday, sometimes several times a day! So PLEASE, take just a second to leave your comments, they mean the world to me!!

A very special THANK YOU to Josh and my little muffin Kailee. The two of you have yet to miss one day calling to see how I am feeling! Big HUGS to both of you and I LOVE YOU!

Tonight, I ask that you all pray for my very special cousin Jill. I won't go into detail as to her situation, but I will tell you that we are asking for God to intervene and heal her body completely! Tonight, she is really heavy on my heart and mind! Jill has been my rock during this process, although her days may seem weary, she always calls to check on me and encourage me!! Jill, I LOVE YOU cousin!!!

Also, PLEASE pray for Vern, as you know she had to leave last Thursday morning to travel on business to complete a major project. Vern is in Louisianna with Pneumonia, Flu and an ear infection! PLEASE pray for her speedy recovery so she can travel back home! Max and I miss her!

Continue to pray for mom's strength as she continues to travel back and forth to Cameron everyday! She has a very draining job as she cares for Hospice patients all day and the drive doesn't help matters!

Oh, I almost forgot, PLEASE continue to pray for my strength and healing!


"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone"

Remember...

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE

Until the next post...

GOD SPEED
Tony

AMAZE YOURSELF

Amaze yourself

Once you're up and running, keep going. Once you've worked to establish some momentum, make the most of it.
Don't stop when you've done just enough. With a little extra effort, you can achieve so much more.

You've spent a lot of time and effort getting to where you are. If you stop now you'll have to put even more effort into getting started again.

Keep going until you've far surpassed what you expected to do. Surprise and delight yourself with how much more you can get accomplished.

When you've already done what's good enough, that puts you in a great position. It's more effective to reach higher when you're already moving higher.

Momentum is an unstoppable force. Once you've got it, keep using it, and keep going until you're amazed at what you've done.

-- Ralph Marston

I AM STRUGGLING....

~Monday, Post-op day #7

Hello friends!! I hope your day has been full of God's blessing's!!

I am excited today, yes, I know my title doesn't seem to show any excitement, but we will get to that later.

Day #7... what does that mean to me and why is it so exciting?

Well, the most exciting part of today was that God granted me another day to rise, shine and show my love to someone! I want all of you to know that I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Secondly, I got to take my FIRST bite of solid food today!!!! YAY!!

Now, it wasn't much, but it sure was GOOD! I was able to take in about two ounces of soft scrambled egg!! Now, usually, you could keep your soft scrambled eggs, because I like mine hard scrambled and a little touch of brown on them, but when you haven't had anything solid for nearly two weeks, you take what you can get, and it was EGG-CELLENT!!

1st meal!!

Thirdly, I had my first post-op appointment with the doctor today, but I will keep my excitement to myself for a minute or two and tell you some of the things that has gone on the last two days.

Yesterday(Sunday) was a pretty good day. Mom and I sat in the room, she enjoyed her Gates ribs that I sent my brother to get the day before, and we watched Joel Osteen. He gave a very good message "Being Pruned so you can Bloom", and I took that message in several different ways, one being that I was just pruned on last Monday, and I am looking forward to my new blooms! I know that God has so much in store for me!!

Here is a message from Joel Osteen on his topic for yesterday's sermon.

Being Pruned So You Can Bloom
Life is full of different seasons. There are growing seasons, where we’re seeing increase and promotion and making all kinds of progress and then there are seasons of trials, difficulties and hardships where it seems as if we are taking a step backwards. It may seem so, but it’s during the pruning seasons that God is positioning us for something greater.
If we are going to become everything God has created to be, just as we receive the growing seasons in life, we have to accept the pruning seasons, as well. God will never take something away without putting you in a position to receive something new. What you think may be the worst thing that could have happened could turn out to be one of the best.
When you’re in a slow season and not seeing any growth and it seems as if things important in your life are being taken away, stay in faith; the disappointment and loss wasn’t meant to work against you, but for you. If you will stay in faith, that season will come to an end and you will come into a new season of growth, opportunity and new friendships. You are being pruned for one reason: so you can bloom, so you can blossom, so you can spread your wings and be everything God has created you to be.

~~~~~~~

I actually got fully dressed yesterday and enjoyed a walk in the driveway a couple of times. It was a little cool, but I enjoyed it! I watched the Chiefs do what they do best, and we all know that it ain't winning at the game of football!! LOL!!

I was in quite a bit of pain yesterday, but I refused to take that NASTY pain medication, so I dealt with it and kept my mouth shut, I didn't want to upset mom, nor did I want her to force me to take the pain killer! I guess you can tell that I really am not a DRUGGY!! LOL!!

I spent some time visiting with a few family members in the early evening, food was brought to mom so she would eat, however, I think she enjoyed her Gates Ribs that she ate for breakfast more than anything. One of mom's friends came over to visit with us, she had the same surgery back in April..........Pause............and I had the CRAP scared out of me!! You say why, well, mom's friend apparently took very ill(nearly lost her life) a month after surgery and spent the entire summer in the hospital. Apparently her body was lacking some sort of vitamin causing her to have a disorder called Dystonia. Dystonia affects the nuerological system in your body. She has problems with her eyes and has to walk very slowly with a four footed cane! She has lost 100lbs., but I will tell you, it was sad to see her move so slowly! So, in saying that, I know that I have to make sure that I pay close attention to the changes in my body and react quickly when something's not right!!

OK, SO, ARE YOU READY FOR MY EXCITEMENT?!?!?!

Day 7 and I have lost...

27 POUNDS

This morning I actually tried on a brand new IZOD shirt that I purchased several months ago and it fit me really nice and comfortable!!

I am feeling alot of body changes, my body structure is also changing, but I am feeling great and I am getting stronger everyday, actually, I am going nuts being tied up in the house for the past week!! Maybe tomorrow someone will come see me and get me out of the house for a little while!!

Sending out HINTS!!

I am of course very weak, sore and still have quite a bit of pain in the lower left abdomen, and that will take some time to go away, but I do feel so much better than I did just a day or two ago.

I took advantage of an offer from my loving mother-in-law, and went to the store and gathered a few items that I will be able to re-introduce back into my diet. My list consisted of these things:

~ Cottage Cheese(lowfat)
~ Yogurt (fat free, light)
~ String Cheese (lowfat)
~ Refried Beans
~ Thin Deli Sliced Turkey
~ Tuna (water packed white/light)

I enjoyed my walk through the grocery store, however, it was really starnge not having the super sized buggy and filling it with all my favorite diet food!! LOL! The walk wore me out so I went back home and after a little jello, I decided to chill and laydown for a while!

Ok, so, onto the reason why I am struggling...

You know, protien is a major part of staying healthy and keeping the nutrients that I need after my surgery. Well, the first week and many weeks after consist of drinking protien drinks. I am STRUGGLING to get the amount of protien in everyday because I can't stand the smell or taste of the protien drinks. See, I began drinking these several months ago to prepare myself for the after surgery diet and I was tolerating them very well. No one told me that your taste buds and sense of smell hightens after surgery and mine have apparently hightened off the charts. I cannot stand the taste of them now and one of them even gags me to open the lid. Oh, well, what do you do, well I better keep holding my nose and sipping to get at least 60grams in a day. Now, since I can add a solid protein everyday, beginning today, that will help me get the 60grams that I need.

So, I am asking you to pray for my tastebuds, that they will begin to tolerate the taste of the protien drink. It is vital that I get the protien I need on a daily basis. Also pray for my strength as I am still very weak, although, each day does get better. Keep mom in your prayers as she is exhausted, tonight she looks very worn out, but she refuses to leave me home alone at night. Pray for her strength as she drives back and forth this week to Cameron, MO..

I will close tonight by saying THANK YOU to everyone who has continued to support me during my journey!! I LOVE each of you more than you will every know, but remember that God loves you more!

Remember.....

YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE!!!!

Until the next post....

GOD SPEED!!

Tony

Friday, POST-OP day #4

Where do I begin?

HMMMMMMMMMM!!!..........

Turning to look out the window to see the leaves on the tree's blowing...........Thought?!?! Is God blowing the leaves to relax my mind, and to get the focus off my pain and dis-comfort?

Pausing....looking out the window again, this time focused on the rush hour traffic flowing down Blue Valley Parkway.... wow, my mind seems to be rushing and racing just like that traffic!

Ok, so the devil is very busy today, I am trying to write this blog and he, being the JERK poster child that he is, is causing all kinds of havoc over here, but guess what....I choose not to let him stop me from sharing with you today!!!

Pausing for awhile to regroup......

Ok, let me get back on track.

Surgery went very well..............


~ Saturday, October 3, 2009

Ok, let's try this again!! Post-op day #5

Too many distractions yesterday evening, so I had to walk away!

Morning of surgery 9/28/09 366lbs.

Surgery went very well on Monday, yes, I was at peace but, I was scared! You wonder how could I be at peace if I was scared? Well, God covered me with His mercy, His grace, His love and He poured peace all over my body, but, remember, I never said that I wasn't human, and after all, God will place fear in your heart and that fear was knowing that He brought me this far and now I had to show Him what I was willing to do in return after the "Positive Life Transition"! So, the fear factor or the scaredness was more of will I be able to give God all that He has given me! You know, God answered that question for me! He told me that I have given for 43 years of my life and because of who I am in Him, He has no worries that I will give to Him and His children even more than I ever have, however, I will give back to MYSELF first!

Monday night was the worst night of my entire life!! You ask why, well, I shared a room with an elderly man who had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. I spent my entire night laying in bed praying that this poor little man didn't fall out of bed, pass away or any other negative thought you could possibly have. Why you might say, well, first of all, he should have been sleeping with a C-PAP machine(breathing aparatus for people with sleep apnea) but he wasn't and apparently his nurses didn't care that they didn't set it up for him to use. He snored and tossed and turned all freaking night long, gasped for air on more than 50... well, I stopped counting at 3 am when he had a major accident!!! Anyway, you see how my first night went...HORRIBLE!!!

~Tuesday, Post-op day #1 - EXHAUSTED but can't wait for the nurse to come in and say GO HOME!! Today the cath came out at 6am, OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS!!!!!!!!!!! Nurse gives me a total of 6 injections, apparently routine, but I didn't pay her to much attention yesterday evening, so I am sure she was poking every needle in me she had, after all, I have the bruises to show for it!!

I didn't tell you that at 3am when I called for the nurses to come in and help my little neighbor, that they checked my meter for the usage of Morphine, well, she looked at me and said "are you ok?", Of course at this point I wanted to SCREAM the words HELL NO!!, but I was a good patient and said no! She asked me why I wasn't using my Morphine drip button, I told her I was, she said no, not enough, so I then said well how many times can I push the button?! As many times as you want, it's programmed to give you what you need! Yo nurse, thanks for the info!!!! At 3am I began to push that button faithfully every 1/2 hour and I didn't miss one 1/2 hour increment. You would think after pumping Morphine every 1/2 hour since 3am that I would be well rested, right? WRONG!! I was too worried about my little neighbor, so, no sleep for the weak and worried!!

Have I ever mentioned that I am a CAREGIVER?

8am, nurse informed me that if I pass my swallow test(more on that later), walk the halls 4 times, pee on my own, and pass some GAS.....ok, ok, ok, TMI, but those words sounded so good to me when she told me I would get to go home this evening!!!!!!!

8:30am - I was taken down to Radiology to have a swallow test done. The swallow test shows any leaking, blockage or any other irregularities. I had to drink some sort of liquid contrast that was absolutely horrible. Good news, I made it through the procedure without puking and passed the test with an A+, HAHA, I feel like I'm back in school now!!

9am, I had to go pee peee peeeee!!! LOL!! TMI, RIGHT?! Wrong, that was a RELIEF!

9:30am, walked down the hall with my nurse. 1 down, 3 to go. By 3pm I had passed the swallow test, completed my walks, pee'd and PASSED SOME GAS,(HEHE) and was waiting very patiently for the words to come out of the nurses mouth...YOU ARE DISCHARGED!!

5pm, headed out the front door of the hospital with anticipation of a painful ride home but excited!!!!

5:45pm, HOME SWEET HOME!! Bed here I come!! Oh, did I tell you that the ride home was AWFUL?! Just kidding honey, you did good, no wrecks, bumps, well a few bumps but no bruises!

Well, the night started off good, but by 8:30pm it was a down hill battle, and when I say a down hill battle, trust me, that's what it was. I will just put it in very simple words...I FEEL SORRY FOR THE DRUG ADDICTED that come off of a high! WORST experience ever, uncontrollable, violent shaking, it was 80 degrees in the house and I felt like I was in a meat packing house freezer! My family and friends will tell you that I am and always have been a HOT BOX, it can be 20 below zero outside and I will sweat like it was 98 degrees. So, needless to say, first night home, no sleep for the weak and worried!!

~Wednesday, Post-op day #2 - I managed to shower today, THANK YOU JESUS for the small things we take for granted!! Let me start by first saying, I have 7 incisions on my entire belly, right side covered with translucent bandages, left side(worst side as that is where your stomach and other vital organs are) is covered in gauge and foam surgical tape as I am allergic to the paper tape that they all love to use. So, saying that, my question is, how do you take a shower and not get the front of your entire belly wet? IMPOSSIBLE!! I tried very hard but hey, it ain't easy, so needless to say, I got wet! OOPS!!

Very tiring experience in the shower, so I came out and after drying off and putting on the most comfortable clothes I could find, giving myself the first of 7 injections of a blood thinner, I decided to take a nap. Thanks Honey for being so persistent that I lay my head down. 2 hours later, back up and going for a short walk around the house. Remember this word....GAS!!

Oh, about those 7 injections that I have to give myself over the next 7 days...remember, I have NEVER been a drug user, sure, I have dipped into the weed bag back in the day, drank alcohol with my homies, but never used needles, etc., so I was to say the least nervous, yep, nervous, I have never even had to give myself an insulin shot because I fought until I beat the monster to only a pill a day.

Oh, guess what?! I NO LONGER HAVE TO TAKE THAT PILL AGAIN!! PRAISING JESUS for another pill down the toilet!!

Not much else took place the remainder of the day, I took it easy and rested.

~Thursday, Post-op day #3 - Oh, I had a wonderful, peaceful nights sleep!!! Vern woke me up at 4am to say good bye, yep, she left me!!!! Ok, not for good, but, for a long 12 days. I hope CenturyLink Corporation knows what they have as an employee, she left her husband who just had major surgery to complete a project just for them!! Can you say DEDICATION!!

I wonder if she ever ask herself what the heck she was thinking when she said YES!! LOL!

Today was one of the worst days, however, I did actually shave my face today! WOW, I looked in the mirror afterwards and thought, "That's one HANDSOME fella"! Yep, call me conceited if you want to, but my mom and dad, with the help of God created one handsome guy and I say that with confidence, because I am handsome, from the perspective of being blessed to have a good looking face and a caring, loving spirit. God gifted me with a heart of giving, caring and loving those that need to be loved and cared for and I wouldn't want it any other way!!

Ok, so, back to the GAS....today was the worst of the GAS pains, yep, it was so bad that I called the surgeons office asking what could be done to relieve it other than walking because I had been walking and had not PASSED A PUFF OF GAS!! Guess what the answer to my hundred million dollar question was? WALK!!!! So I walked around the table, up and down the stairs, over the hill and through the kitchen. I even passed through the toilet, hey, I didn't care where I had to walk, I was walking!! Well, no relief.....I have never wanted to FART so bad in my life!!

I'm sorry, I know this is a little too much information, but guess what, I said from the beginning that I was going to open up my heart and be truthful, besides, if this doesn't help you, it sure is healing for me!!

Ok, moving forward. My friend Becky stopped by to see me, that gave mom a chance to get out of the house for a bit and run a few errands. Please keep my mom in your prayers, she is very worried about me and I want her to be covered in God's Peace!! So, while mom was gone, I talked Becky into walking with me, no, not inside the house, heck, there's barely enough room for me in the hallway, but not for long!!! So, we walked outside, I told her I would walk two driveways, rest and then turn around and come back, after all, I do live on an incline. Well, me being me and wanting to get some relief from Mr. GAS, I conned Becky into letting me walk one more driveway! Boy, I apparently get a kick out of punishment! First off, I was hoping to be back in the house by the time mom came back so she wouldn't know that I walked that far, and, if I had of stopped at driveway #2, I would have and I wouldn't have wore myself out as much as I did. Boy, did I pay for that dumb mistake, but it was all in the effort of relief! So, did I get relief, HECK NO!! The rest of the night was uneventful, tiring and I needed to get a good nights rest!

Mom and I the morning of surgery!! I hope I look as young as her when I turn 62!

The HIGHLIGHT of my day: This evening I received a very special card from a group of children in an orphanage in Africa!! God is AWESOME, who would have known that children as far away as Africa would be praying for me!! Thank you Amanda Dye for sharing with your children!

~Friday, Post-op day #4 - I slept fairly well last night, however, I did have some issues with my C-PAP machine, just doesn't seem to be working correctly. I did wake very exhausted, however, GOOD NEWS, I have some relief from the GAS pains. I started today with a shower, very tiring, but I got through it. Once I finished, I dressed and had mom to change my dressings......OUGHT OH!!

Small setback, the largest incision on the right has some infection!!! Ok, FEAR has set in!! Called the surgeons office and mom went and picked up an antibiotic! Some might ask why did FEAR set in, well, first of all, this is not your typical surgery and there are alot of things that can go wrong very quickly that may be fatal if not taken care of very quickly, then, the nurse tells me all the things that I have to watch for while taking this antibiotic. #1 major thing: FEVER, if I reach a 100 degree temperature, I have to be rushed to the hospital immediately! So, is that enough to understand?

Ok, great!! LOL!!

So, I monitored my tempature every 1/2 hour until I went to bed, the highest it reached.....99.9!
Ok, tell me, do I freak out and call mom to say let's go, or do I wait 5 minutes and take it again? I waited 2 minutes and it was 99.3, WHEW!!

~Saturday, Post-op day #5 - 3am, I wake up in a major PANIC!!! The entire left side of my head, face and neck felt like someone had laid a block of ice on it and walked away! Was I having a brain anuerism, was I having a stroke or something? Boy the devil get's busy when you are vulnerable! I relaxed and let my head thaw out, sat in my chair and didn't bother to wake mom, she hasn't had much sleep and I was hoping that she was getting much needed rest. Remember that C-PAP machine I was talking about? Well, I think I had mentioned that it didn't seem to be functioning right the last couple of nights, well guess what?, the heater went out. Mom called the distributor and by 9pm I was back in business!! Thank you Christine for taking such good care of me!!

Today has been a very emotional day for me, I have waited for that phone call from dad!! I needed to hear his voice today, those words "Buddy, How You Doin?" in his long, drawn out southern tone!! But.....it didn't happen! I know he is in a much better place, but I sure wish he could ride along this journey with me. I know, everyone says he is, but it's just not the same!! Lord give me PEACE!! Today marks 2 months since his passing!! I sure do miss you buddy!!

The rest of tonight will be relaxing, going to head up to the bedroom, sit in my chair and watch a little HGTV then head to bed with the peace of mind in knowing that an Ice Storm won't hit me tonight!!

In closing I want to say that my first week of life on the other side has been pain stakingly painful, very trying, full of fear, extremely emotional, but guess what? GOD IS GOOD!! I already see and feel, yes feel things other than pain, I feel so much different! My legs look better, my arms are smaller, hey, I already have to have my watch adjusted, my rings resized and tomorrow I will try on a new shirt that will be another size smaller!!

The flip side of my journey has begun and I am asking, are you ready to roll with your homie on my journey of a healthier, happier life? Yep, I know you are and I want to say THANK YOU!

I want to say THANK YOU to my entourage that showed up at the hospital Monday morning, you know who you are and you are AWESOME!! I love all of you more than you will ever know! Pastor E and Lady V, Thank You for stepping in to have prayer with me before surgery, PEACE PEACE PEACE!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH, you are not just my spiritual leaders, but more importantly my brother and sister!!

I have to give a very special THANK YOU to my #1 FAN for making the journey from Houston, Texas to be by my side! Joyell, little sissy-n-law, I LOVE YOU!!

To my cheerleadah(the spelling is correct), my Angel from Heaven above, THANK YOU for the wonderful gifts, my first after surgery cookbook(I can't wait to use it), and I am more thankful and grateful for the head and foot massage! I LOVE YOU and I ask that you keep cheering for me!!

Tammy, lil' sis, Thanks for the laughter, no more jokes about me, ok?!! LOL!! I LOVE YOU and I appreciate you coming by to check on me.

Mom, one week down and we made it together without incident! I LOVE YOU even though sometimes you think I don't, I don't know what I would do without you! THANK YOU for being here with me and taking care of my every need this week. I promise, next week will be better!!!

Little brother, I LOVE YOU boy!! Keep praying and while you are praying for me, you better ask for some strength, because I am looking forward to whooping you on the raquetball and basketball court!!!

Ma, Pops and Tracy Nell, you guys keep me going, I LOVE YOU more than you will ever know! I am looking forward to those weekend projects again! Pops, your help is coming back stronger than ever!! Ma, get the upholstery tools ready, we have some projects to do! Tracy Nell, let's get our HUSTLE on!!

Dewayne and Mary, my brother and sister, I LOVE YOU both more than words can express! THANK YOU for being the big brother and big sister that I long for! You know you both are on for the ride of your life, so buckle your seatbelt and get ready for many good things to come!! I can't wait to see you again!!

Steph, Kerri and Jill, I LOVE YOU guys!! THANK YOU for the words of encouragement and your prayers! Keep them coming!!

Honey, I LOVE YOU more than you know!! I know how hard it was for you to leave me this week, but you had to do what you had to do! You have been by my side through this whole journey, when I wanted to give up, you said keep pushing forward! THANK YOU!! We begin this NEW LIFE together and we are going to make it an awesome LIFE!!! Are you READY? Well if you aren't, you better get ready!! LOL!!

To my Lord and Savior, THANK YOU for laying on the operating table with me!! You told me that you would never leave me or forsake me and you are true to your word, I promise, I will be true to mine as well!

If there is anyone I missed, it was not intentional, I know you are out there praying for me, thinking about me and loving me, and remember, I am still under a little bit of narcotics, so I tried to remember everyone I could, but I know I forgot to mention some!! Just know that your prayers, love and concern are felt daily, that's how I get through my day! I LOVE all of you!

OK, so, my motto remains the same!!!

"YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE"

Remember, if you don't take care of yourself first, then eventually you won't be around to care for those that need you more!!

KJV PROVERBS 3:5-6 'Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.'


Until the next post...

GOD SPEED!!
Tony