So, I am jumping right into this blog entry because I need to release my feelings. This may not mean much to you, but I am praying that it helps me begin to process what is currently taking place with my emotions!
This evening I had to pull out my "HANDBOOK", yes, I have a handbook to help me along this process of becoming a healthier me!!
The last several days my emotions have been flying extremely high. I haven't let anyone know, I have held it within and now, I have no more room to hold back. Before I get started on what I am feeling, I would like to share with you what my "HANDBOOK" says about the process of GRIEVING!
GRIEF WORK
Saying "good-bye" to unhealthy behaviors may make you feel sad or bad... this is grief work. Grieving is a healthy way to process emotions. Don't suppress these emotions. Only by experiencing them can you let them go.
The stages of grief are:
1. Denial - "I don't have to change my unhealthy behavior"
2. Anger - "I'm mad I need to change this behavior."
3. Bargaining - "If I do _______, I won't need to change my behavior."
4. Depression - "I'm so sad my behavior needs to be changed."
5. Acceptance - "I need to change my behavior and that's OK."
So, you noticed that two of the stages are "BLUE", well, that's because those are the two that I am currently dealing with, and my way of dealing with it is so very weird to me as well as the outburst that has taken place in the past 24hrs.
I haven't had to deal with stages 1,3 & 5 because I knew I HAD to do what I have done to become a healthier, happier me. I have never been in Denial, I never Bargained with myself and I Accepted this back in February when I made "The Decision"!!
Let's talk about Stage 2 - ANGER: I'm not mad that I need to change my behavior, well, maybe I am and just don't realize it. But things around me are just getting under my skin. Situations that I would normally blow off and say WHATEVER, are now upsetting me to a point of almost telling certain people in my life to get LOST!! Yes, I said it, and as I sit here and write it, it HURTS me deeply to even know that I am thinking and feeling this way! See, these are some of the things that I would have laughed about before, but for whatever reason, they are hurting me, and as I think about those situations I am saying to myself, "WHY, WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMETHING SO MINOR GET TO YOUR EMOTIONS?"
I can't even answer my own question, because I don't know!!
So many thoughts roll through my mind, like, "Am I not good enough?", "Are those close to me ashamed of my obese size?", "Why does it seem that I am treated differently than others?", "Why is it that I am the one that always drops what I am doing to make sure a loved one's situation is taken care of?", "Why is it that those I love seem to not have time for me when I need them most?"...
Yes, these are some of the thoughts that go through my mind, so much so that I have had an outburst about something, that in the past I would have never let phase me! It hurts me to feel the way that I am feeling, why you say?, because I know that if I don't figure out the "WHY", I am going to HURT someone that is very dear to my heart, who knows, I may have already done that, and God in Heaven knows that my spirit is not one to HURT, but to LOVE!! After all, I have said that God has given me the spirit to LOVE, CARE for and GIVE to others, so why, why am I feeling this way?
I know that I am a work in progess....A better term that I will use is:

I am praying that God "SNATCHES" me by my collar and get's me back on track, back to the me that I love and know, because this JERK that I have become the last couple of days is not cool, but seems like I have lost the control of my emotions!
Let's now talk about Stage 4 - DEPRESSION: Ok, so I am admitting that I am in a state of depression!! You would be too if you had to sit in the house for nearly two weeks, look at the same 4 walls, the same beige carpet, same purple rooms, hey, it get's OLD! Some days I just wanted to get out and if nothing else go look at the TARGET sign on the building, HELL, that's RED, better than PURPLE!! I just wanted to see a different face, look into someone elses eyes and hear someone elses voice. Don't get me wrong, having my mom here was the BIGGEST blessing I could have had the last two weeks, but I will be honest with you, I think she was ready to see something or someone different too!!
You know, I haven't said much about it, but seeing such a drastic change in my body has had an affect on me as well. I know, you say "that's a good thing!", yes it is, but when you have looked in the mirror at yourself for so many years and seen the same disgusting body that you neglected for so long, it kinda gets to be emotional!! Yes, it is a wonderful thing, but the emotional piece of it is "why did I let myself get to this point?"
I am happy that I came to my senses before it was to late, and I thank God everyday for giving me another chance to make it right! See, He didn't have to, He could have taken me on home, but He knew I wasn't ready, He knew that I have alot of work left to do on this place we call earth! I have so many people to reach out to and share my love with them and the love of Christ! My prayer is that when the skies open up and God reaches down to take us into Heaven, that each of you are right there with me, I don't want to see any of you left behind!!
If you are reading this blog, I ask that when you lay your head down tonight, PLEASE say a special prayer for ME!! Pray that my ANGER is turned into JOY, pray that my state of DEPRESSION is released into PEACE!
I don't want to hurt the ones I love and care for so dearly, and I want to have the PEACE and JOY that this journey is bringing me!!
On a lighter side, I walked my 1st mile this morning since surgery 2 weeks ago! It was so refreshing to walk and breathe the brisk air!
I even had to do a little clothes shopping today, I went to Wally World and bought me 2 sets of sweat outfits and a t-shirt that I just had to have!! Guess what, I bought a size 3XL! This is a major thing for me as I am now 2-3 sizes smaller than I was a month or so ago!! I haven't worn a 3XL in 10 years!! My dear friend Becky reminded me tonight that the last time she seen me in a 3XL was 10 years ago when I painted the interior of her duplex! WOW! So many changes taking place so quickly, but they are positive changes and I am looking forward to many more!!
You know, it's funny, I have said from the beginning that blogging my thoughts and feelings would become a healing process for me, and you know what, just writing the last paragraph has up lifted my spirits!
I LOVE each of you! PLEASE be PATIENT with me as....
I AM UNDER CONSTRUCTION
I promise, this diamond that is in the rough will soon have the edges knocked off, the imperfections removed and polished to a high gloss of a BEAUTIFUL, ONE OF A KIND JEWEL!!
Mom, THANK YOU for all you did for me the past two weeks, YOU ARE AWESOME! I pray that God BLESSES you 10,000 fold!!
As I close tonight, I have to remind all of you, that...
YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE
Take care of yourself first, so that you will be around to take care of others!
God has made me the person I am today. I never claim to be perfect, but everyday I try to grow as a person in God and through my relationships.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!!
Until the next post...
GOD SPEED,
Tony
3 comments:
It's great to see your inner man is healing along with your outer man! This is an assurance your outer man will stay healthy. I'm glad to see by the end of your day #13 post you were able to focus on one of your accomplishments... that always helps me when I'm going through... "look how far you've come already... remember where you were?... and now you're here!" It's also great there was a friend there to remind you how far you've come along! As my landlord says, "No worries!" You're on track. Stay on it! And thank you for your blog... keep it up... don't give this up! You are helping many with your blog... it is a testimony to the healing process. BTW, have any of you ever sneezed with a mouthful of popcorn? Cuz I just did! Yuck!!
Wow..this is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I saved your blog as a favorite on my computer just so I can be sure to keep up with you. I know we just met but I am so, so proud of you and keeping this blog is such a blessing. You keep on letting God use you. He is already looking down and smiling at you. I hope Vern is feeling better and I hope to meet her real soon. Take care cuz. If you need ANYTHING, I'm just down the street. Until the next post...I am anxiously awaiting!
Shari H (Dee's friend, Lawerence's sister)
Good afternoon Tony,
I am praying that God will not only strenghten your mind but also your spirit. You are not walking this journey alone. God is walking right with you. Guiding each step you take. Always remember I'm just a phone call a way. Here is a favorite scripture of mine. I hope it encourges you just like it does me:
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5&6
Take care Tony and have a blessed and spirit filled day.
Stephanie
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