Eight months and one day since I began my JOURNEY..... -97lbs.
As I sit here and look at those numbers, I begin to tear up with JOY!!
GOD is so GOOD!
The past 3 weeks have been ROUGH!! I won't lie, I have been on a freakin' roller coaster ride and it has not been fun!! However, I am so happy to know that this is NORMAL and I AM NOT GOING CRAZY!!
I will fill you in on what has been going on the past several weeks:
ANGER: After talking with a close friend this past week, I finally realized that the ANGER that I was taking out on someone that I care for and love so dearly, was ANGER that I had towards myself. Yep, because I was PISSED and ANGRY, I was at a point of not caring about what I said or who I hurt, however, you know me, I of course felt like crap afterwards. Remember, I am not one to hurt others, but to care for and love others, so this was way out of character for me!
So you ask why was I ANGRY at myself.....well, it's simple, but before I tell you why, I want to clear something up very quickly before you think or let the words out of your mouth... "BUT YOU ARE HAVING SO MANY POSITIVE CHANGES TAKING PLACE IN YOUR LIFE!".
You are RIGHT, there are so many positive changes taking place, but what you fail to realize is this.....when I look in the mirror and see the physical changes, when I try on new clothes, or the clothes that I WOULD NOT get rid of from the past, something as simple as sitting in a booth at a restaurant(something I haven't been able to do in more than 10 years), I get very ANGRY at myself, I am mad that I NEGLECTED ME for so many years, that I cared for everyone but ME, that I let so many people use ME as a doormat for so many years.....so here it comes:
HI, My name is TONY HATMAKER, I AM A CAREGIVER AND I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF! WHY AM I ANGRY?, I HAD TO MAKE SUCH A DRASTIC DECISION TO GET MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH BACK IN ORDER!!
DEPRESSION: You ask why am I depressed, well, the answer is simple....I am ANGRY for one. I have expected things from my friends and family, and needless to say, I have been let down. I am tired of looking at the same four walls everyday and...
I a m t i r e d o f f e e l i n g s i c k a n d t i r e d.
I have absolutely no energy and it SUCKS!! So, what do I do about it.... well, I was told that I needed to process how I was feeling, say what I am feeling and work through it. If I choose not to allow myself to process my feelings, then I would not be able to move forward! Well, I have processed my feelings, I have spoken my mind to several people and yes, it hurts me to do that, but guess what, I had to realize... IT'S ALL ABOUT ME NOW!!! I have to put Tony Hatmaker in the forefront and make him number 1!
I know, I say it all the time, "YOU ARE #1 IN YOUR LIFE", yep, but I am the worst at walking my own talk!!
Yesterday, I had a slap upside the left side of my head and then within minutes I got another one upside the right side!! If God were a man of choice words, He would have said "FOOL, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?" But instead, He got my attention and before He spoke to me in a soft tone, He assured me that no matter who I am, no matter what I look like, HE still LOVES ME!!!
Once He got my attention, God spoke these words to me.... "Son, you cannot move forward until you begin to forgive YOURSELF, you cannot LOVE, CARE for and GIVE unto other's any longer, until you begin to LOVE yourself, CARE for yourself and GIVE back to yourself!!!!!!"
It has taken me all of yesterday afternoon/evening and most of today, to process in my heart what He spoke to me, but I have realized, that I want to continue to be the Tony Hatmaker that I have been all my life, but I know that if I don't forgive ME, learn to LOVE ME, learn to CARE for ME and learn to GIVE back to ME, then I can no longer be ME!
So, today I have made a commitment to myself and to God, that starting today, I will begin to forgive, love, care for and give back to ME!!
This is not going to be easy for me, but I know that a commitment to God is not something you take lightly! And after all, He has continued to be committed to me as He promised He would from the very start of my JOURNEY!!
Today, I say THANK YOU to all my friends and family who have, no matter what I have said or done, you have continued to stick by me. I know that sometimes you want to tell me to take a hike, but instead, you continue to encourage me, you have no idea how much that means to me!
I do want to say that at this point in my JOURNEY, I need to pull away and focus on myself. What does this mean? Well, basically, you may not hear from me for awhile, you may not get an update on the blog for awhile, but know that I am still here and I still LOVE each of you!! This does not mean you have to stop leaving encouraging words, praying for me or just leaving me a voicemail or an email to say you are thinking about me! I STILL NEED YOU TO CONTINUE PRAYING AND LEAVING ENCOURAGING WORDS!!
PLEASE be patient with me as GOD IS NOT THROUGH WITH ME YET!!
Remember, I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS... I AM UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!
He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends. Proverbs 17: 9
Until the next post,
GOD SPEED!
Tony
2 comments:
I continue to think about and pray for you each and every day! Congrats on all your progress!!!! Keep going strong!!!! Sending you a big hug from your Cheerleadah!
You are in my heart and prayers as always. What you are doing is COURAGEOUS.
What would all of us have done without your thoughtfulness, caring, STRENGTH and love? You were there for all of us now it's time to be there for YOU.
Have you ever heard the saying, "After me you come first." Well now's the time to put that into force. Care about YOU first, because without YOU we would all be lost.
Keep up the good work
Kath
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